spanx

Sexy, right? I mean, adding the heels totally jazzes it up. Isn't that how you walk around the house in your spanx?

They are amazing. They're like a modern girdle. If you don't own them, get them. They smooth you, suck you in and are lovely. Some people wear them everyday, even under dress pants. There's no way I'm fighting that fight everyday. I close the door when putting on spanx. No witnesses to the disaster that is happening in the bedroom. This past weekend I wore spanx AND tights and can I just say that that counts as a mild workout. I was sweating afterwards. I had to put the fan on high.

We went to a lovely wedding and danced a TON. That should also count as a workout, and my JC consultant certainly thought so too. Even though I had several glasses of red wine, I distinctly remember a situation in the large bathroom, filled with people.

Lisa: Megan, you want me to wait for you?
Megan: Nah, I got spanx and tights on. I'll be a while. You go ahead.
Lisa: Ok, I'll see you out there.
Megan: Yep!

I think several other women were laughing. Know why? Because anyone over a size 2 can relate to this situation. Men can't relate. I don't even think men do squats in jeans to break them in after the dryer deliberately SHRANK them.

Anyways, that's all I got. All is the same. Gotsta try harder. Working on it. Wanted to write a post to keep myself honest.

a.d.d.

I'm so convinced I'm on the spectrum for add that it's all I can do to sit here and type this. Because really, there are about a zillion shiny objects staring at me right now, begging for attention. You should prepare yourself for a jerky roller coaster ride of a blog post. I also plan on arguing with and contradicting myself.

First, I chickened out last week for my weigh in. Totally called out. First time I've done that, and it was/is shameful. I knew I gained weight after eating food again, after being sick, and I didn't want to see the number. I also didn't want to drive to Rockville and spend one full hour driving the ten or fifteen miles home. Forget about the actual candidates; if someone out there can solve the traffic problems on the beltway, I'm voting for them. You can fix 495? You can probably fix anything.

So I went today and basically put it all back on. This is real life people.

I have been battling with wanting to eat the food. I'm tired of a lot of the food even though it's good. So I went in today and only got dinners. I have done well for breakfasts and lunches; it's my dinners and snacking that's the problem. Then I get mad at myself, because if I would just bite the bullet, eat the food, I'll lose the weight and be happy. FALSE. I do not need to treat this like ripping off a band aid. So, just dinners from JC from now on. 2 meals on my own. Let's see how this goes. Slow and steady wins the race. Yada yada bleeping yada.

I thought about joining Weight Watchers. I figure, I lost 20 with JC, maybe I lose 20 with WW. What is my deal. For now, I'm not. And no, I would not do both programs at the same time.

I thought about doing the Couch to 5K program. If you don't know what it is, look it up online. It's a pretty cool program, where someone who's a couch potato (I wouldn't completely call myself that though) can get up, follow a program, and get to running a 5K in two months. It's a very neat and interesting outline, and honestly, it sounds nice. We'll see. Meh.

Since this post was pretty worthless, I'll share some things that have surprised me and make me happy.

- I started wearing my winter coat, and it zips up really well without tugging on the bottom. Last year, it tugged on the hem of the coat.
- I am currently wearing dress pants I haven't worn in a year and a half.
- I wore a size 12 khaki blazer today and it wasn't tight across the back.
- I wore a sweater dress yesterday with a belt.
- Last year, when I wore that outfit, I took a big breath to sing with preK kids, and the belt came UNDONE. It doesn't have loops or anything, so it just slides in and out. STILL. Thank GOD it was only PreK and thank GOD the aide is super cool and just laughed with me.
- The belt did not pop yesterday.

Have a loverly weekend. I will try to return next week with more positive news and a lower number.

Proof I was sick...

- I napped during the 1:00 game last Sunday, and I don't usually nap until later.
- I called out of school.
- I woke up drenched in sweat, for three days.
- I called the dr.
- My temperature at the doctor was 102.1. I almost cried when I heard that.
- The dr. said he was very sorry to see my throat so bad. His bet was strep. I almost cried again.
- Every time I tried to swallow, I winced like a baby.
- The dr. offered for me to lay down in the office bc I didn't look well enough to drive home.
- My HORSE PILLS, Clarithromycin, should be taken 2x a day for ten days.
- Six extra strength tylenol daily to keep my fever down.
- Nightmares.
- My tongue turned yellow. (Gross)
- I tried to brush the yellow off of my tongue, then when it didn't work, I chucked that toothbrush in the trash.
- There was a bad taste in my mouth that I couldn't shake. (Sorry, gross again)
- I stopped talking for about two days.
- I washed something like 5 dishes and had to take a nap, and...


.......



wait for it....




...the #1 reason I knew I was sick...





- I stopped eating. That's when you know I'm really sick. I just couldn't eat. I think I've had maybe three or four servings of soup over the past few days. That is so not my style.

The plus to all of this? I lost 4.8 pounds and can fit in my favorite jeans, a size 14, one size down. I am so excited to keep going. I can't wait to ditch the 190s. I officially hit 25 (my halfway goal) on Jenny Craig and 30 lbs. lost on my own.

The negative to all this? The warning on my antibiotics label says, and I quote, "Diarrhea may occur weeks to months after taking drug. Call doctor."

No shit I'll call the doctor. I signed up for weight loss, not some sort of upside down bulimia through strep throat meds.

Same

All is the same. The good news is, apparently I can maintain a certain weight. The bad news is that my pants are fitting so well that I'm having trouble thinking about the next size down. I need to try on smaller pants in my closet, have them stop and not be able to button them, and hopefully that will motivate me? I don't know.

I need to work out. Enough is enough. It's flipping gorgeous outside, so no excuses.

I switched weigh in days and consultants. Two years ago, when I first did Jenny Craig, I met with an awesome woman named Thelma. She is so outstanding. We also have somewhat similar figures. I'm back with Thelma now, and it's so great. We just have more in common, and right now, that change feels really fresh.

Anyways, that's all I got. Football season is here, food is here, and fall beers are here. All of that is amazing. The only thing holding me back from filling the giant ceramic pumpkin with candy is Mac. He says no Halloween stuff until October. Fine. I will wait. Impatiently.

I mean, I'm on a diet. Or lifestyle change. I don't think about candy. Or anything like that. :)

Happy fall yall.

Vanity

- I love the way I look.
- All pictures of me are awesome.
- Sometimes, I look so thin I am mistaken for Heidi Klum.
- I am thrilled that my chest size is a 38DD.
- I am thrilled that my jeans are a size 16.

Guess which of those are lies? ALL OF THEM.

I'm not being tough on myself, but I am somewhat vain. I'd be lying if I said there was no vanity in all of this weight loss schmeight loss.

- I am dissatisfied with the way I look, but I am proud of my progress.
- I have only ever untagged one picture on fb, even though there are plenty of unflattering ones. Seriously, not every picture will be perfect.
- I am never mistaken for Heidi Klum, but it was kind of a nickname in German class, and I don't think I got the joke then. It was because I wore pigtails one time. Pigtails = Heidi = Heidi Klum. Something like that.
- I tried on a 36D bra last week, willing my boobs to go down. It didn't work.
- I tried on a size pair of 16 jeans. They still fit and I'm pissed. I am a size 14 in dress pants.

I wanted to post a candid picture from facebook on here. But the truth is, I can't. I want to pretend it doesn't exist. I guess I could look at it for motivation, but the truth is, it makes me a little sad, so I think I'll just ignore it. If you're friends with Mac, he was tagged in a photo from a wedding recently, and I'm not tagged in the photo. (I wasn't tagged, so I didn't untag myself.) I'm standing in the photo in a world of slouch. I'm going to go on and pretend it didn't happen, because I don't want to discourage myself, and at this very moment, I'm not strong enough to post it on here. It will be a great "before picture" hopefully. Crossing fingers.

My inches were measured today at Jenny Craig. First time since April.

Down .8" in chest.
Down 2" in waist.
UP . 2" in abdomen. (Glitch... I perhaps measured myself wrong the first time; the consultant did it today.)
Down 2.5 in hips.

And I lost a pound.

AND my amazing friend Erica graciously took the Snickers bar away from me tonight. I can't tell you how it even wound up in my bag of Jenny Craig food. Baffling. ;)

Deserve

I use the word "deserve" a lot. I deserve this chocolate. I deserve these chips and queso. I deserve this drink. I deserve this nap. You get the idea. It doesn't just apply to lazy things either. I will talk myself into deserving a new shirt, dress, home decor, pedicure, manicure, etc. It's wasteful and reckless and sad. You know what I need to tell myself? My parents deserve the money I owe them. My friends deserve their thank you notes on time. My husband deserves a neat home. (Not trying to be a martyr here.) These things will make me happy in the long run. I deserve full gratification, not instant gratification. I deserve the feeling of exhaustion after a workout. I deserve to look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. I deserve to feel and be healthy. I deserve to live a long, happy and healthy life. Everyone deserves that.

Instant gratification is huge with me, sadly. I am so used to and spoiled by digital cameras that while our wedding photographer, Mike, was taking really pics of us, I asked him, "So are there some good ones in there?" He looked at me like I had three heads. I said, "No, I mean, are there some framers?" True story. I didn't look at a single photo he took that day, and it certainly wasn't a dig at him, because his work is really freaking good, but I was no longer trained to WAIT.

In weight loss, I have to wait. There is some instant gratification in the fact that I lost 1.4 pounds. But in the long run, hopefully the happiness I feel will outdo any spontaneous gifts I've given myself. Hopefully I will appreciate the work I've accomplished and not ruin it with quick, empty rewards.

I can still use this word, deserve. I can also use words like earn or phrases like "I owe it to myself". I just need to tweak the part that happens after it. The rewards. So, I will try to focus on that this week, and after this week.

On the subject of pictures, I think I can clean up well, and carefully choose what pictures I like to post on the blog. ;) I dare say to the point of pretty. I deserve that. Every single person deserves to feel pretty, handsome, etc. And to feel that way, I need to keep going. I owe it to myself to keep going.

Will

I gained an ounce. Considering how last week went, that is gracious. It is taking every ounce of will power not to eat right now. Or order food.

I'm getting a little bored with the food. Sometimes I like it and sometimes I don't. I know I need to keep going; it doesn't take a genius to figure that out. But, I feel like I don't look that bad, you know? I'd like to think I look a little better than before, but I'm not the best I could be.

My next plan is to go to the grocery store over the weekend and get food that I'm excited about. The peppercorn turkey is amazing on rye. Fruits, veggies, stuff like that. I feel like if I have stuff to look forward to, it won't be so difficult.

Anyways, short blog today. That's all!

Oh, one last thing. I'm super excited for fall. Check out the subtle, yet in your face changes.

Nubutta

My first memory of Nutella was 8 1/2 years ago in Europe, while doing a tour with other musicians from college. I can't believe that stuff counts as breakfast food. Amazing. Chocolate hazelnut spread and people think it's healthy? Probably not the way I eat it. Which, in case of this week, was with a spoon. And it was the dessert to my Mexican dinner. Three nights in a row.

I called it Nubutta because I couldn't remember it's real name. Either that or I didn't understand the Austrians and Czechs when they were explaining it to me. Either way, Nubutta and Nutella are great. Go get yourself a jar. If you have animal crackers or pretzel sticks, go to town. If not, believe me, a spoon will suffice.

I weighed in on Monday and gained a pound and a half. Sometimes you wouldn't know I'm doing a diet. (Um, like, this week.) I was optimistic, but not shocked. I had weighed in last Thursday, then worked straight through the weekend at Pottery Barn (went back for the summer and finished up last weekend). Between school starting and kids almost coming, I cried on my way to PB Friday night. I was soooo exhausted, and as a teacher who loves being lazy in the summer, I was out of shape for work. My dogs barked a lot and I just wanted to sit down. So, when I got off work at 10 Friday night, after a full teacher day of school and then a five hour shift at PB, I hit up Bertuccis and ate an individual pizza, by myself. That made me so happy. :)

Saturday, more of the same. Saturday was rough. I was overtired and couldn't shake a sad feeling looming over me. A friend and sorority sister, Elizabeth White, passed away a few years ago from non-hodgkins lymphoma. She was soooo amazing, and was a teacher. When I graduated from Elon, she gave me a bag of supplies as a graduation gift... borders and posters and stickers and a really sweet note. Every year at this time I remember her when I put up these decorations in my classroom, and this year, I couldn't shake the feeling. I tried praying to her, which I believe in. I wrote on her facebook wall, which felt good. But in some twisted way, I wanted to not be sad on my way home from work at 10:00 Saturday night, so I picked up some Chinese food. I mean, you can't blame Elizabeth for this obviously, but really, she wouldn't have judged me for eating crap, and she would have rocked a pink sweater, pearls and a bow in her hair. I wanted an excuse for buying crab ragoons, and being sad was my excuse. I'm really embarrassed to even type this, because I don't want to slander Elizabeth's perfect name, and I really, REALLY hope I haven't. I kind of hope she's giggling at my ridiculousness. But you know how sometimes you feel down and eat? Well, I do, and I did. I still cried though.

Sunday was better. Kind of. Worked at PB from 8-3, and whenever I got dreary, I hit up a snack (donut, candy) in the back. Thank God I'm not working there anymore. Being there was like a freebee excuse for me to eat. Buhbye.

Today... well, today. All my lunches have been really good this week. Jenny Craig breakfasts and Jenny Craig lunches. Today I went for Happy Hour #1 and will be hitting up Happy Hour #2 in a little bit. Ah, the beauty of being a teacher. :)

And, the Nubutta is GONE. I threw it out. After I put in on my nightstand last night, with a spoon sticking out of it. I should definitely call a shrink.

Imperfection and dirty laundry.

Well, I am almost 20 pounds down via Jenny Craig. I lost 2.1 pounds and am still trying to chug along, or something like that. I was literally thinking about writing a post like this for a while, and I'm so tired, so forgive me for the imperfections.

I haven't had a perfect week on Jenny Craig yet. I'm not bothered by this. I have treated myself in one way or another or several every single week. I'm sure I could have lost twice as much if I had perfect weeks. But what if I had missed out on social fun? What if I had been miserable? That's no way to live. Besides, I'm so far from perfect it's stupid. I'm so type Z it's amaZing. So why should my diet be perfect? That don't make no sense! :)

I've aired a lot of my imperfections on this blog, and I wouldn't take back a single one of them. I also wouldn't really trade them. They've made me who I am, and I'm humbled and hopefully a better person for them. Some could say I've aired dirty laundry. I don't really see it that way. I don't really write about other people's imperfections, because they're not mine to share. I've really tried to keep other people's issues that they've shared out of my blog, and I certainly have enough of my own to keep going. :) Don't we all? Oh, what's that? You don't have any issues? Guess what? You need to see a shrink and lay on a green couch faster than the rest of us.

Everyone's got issues, and the more people share them, sometimes the better I feel. Oh, you gained weight too? I feel ya. Mental issues? Been there. Still am. Ate a bag of popcorn for dinner? Well, I never... no wait. Yeah, I did. Not tonight though.

I can't stand people who try to make their lives look perfect. It's just so silly, get real. Blowing sunshine and rainbows and butterflies out of where? You do not have Megan fooled. But, I do understand why some people like to share only the good parts of their lives. Why share the negative?

I share the negative because I think it's real. Not dirty laundry. It's weight loss, of course it's negative at times. Trust me, I battle with myself all the time with food. This is no piece of cake. (wondering why we don't have cake in the house...) I wouldn't say I'm obsessed with food, or addicted. But I like food. A lot. :)

It's really hard knowing that I haven't changed jeans yet. Last night, I took of my jeans without undoing the button and zipper. I mean, I had to wiggle, but they went. That was cool. But I'm still wearing them. So, if I was wearing these jeans 26 pounds ago, what on GODS GREEN EARTH DID I LOOK LIKE?! How come no one told me??! People, I expect more.

Apparently the weight is coming off in other places. Fine, but what about the middle?! When will that shrink? When will I get to wear my size 14 jeans? On the other hand... I think my collar bone is about to see its shadow. Woohoo! And I don't even have to stand like some anorexic model to see the outline! There's only a little bit more flesh left. I'll keep you posted on the resurfacing of my collar bone. I know you're anxiously awaiting its arrival.

Now for some shout outs via some other blogs.

J - Your blog is amazing, and I still remember the shock I felt reading your facebook status, as ridiculous as that may sound. I am so proud of you, and thank you.

I - Your pictures are perfect, blurry or not. Keep em coming. I love that your home looks like ours, if not a whole lot better. Your life is perfect. Just like mine. Full of imperfections that we're cool with.

G - Your blog is sweet and real and short and fun. It's inspirational for the working Megan, and I feel like I just had a conversation with you whenever I read it. Your stories should be in a book, for real.

To my friends - my God, when will sappy Megan go away? :) Thank you for being real. You know we wouldn't work if you were fake. ;) p.s. I miss every mother-loving one of you. Thanks for supporting me and my imperfections.

You know, you'd think by 30 I'd be writing more better.

I turned 30.

Well it happened. I turned 30. I'm not thin, so there goes the title of this blog. I have lost about 25 pounds though, and I guess that's saying something. I was on vacation and since my mind is still on vacation, I'm going to do a random pros and cons list post.

PROS:
* I didn't cry when I turned 30.
* I got to spend the day with family, the way I wanted, on the boat.
* Ashley's bf Andrew, told me I looked "pretty" on my birthday. I hugged him. Mac couldn't come down, so to hear that from a guy, well it was so sweet. :)
* I have lost about 25 pounds and at times, feel very proud of that.
* I went to Maine for the first time, with my family.
* Oh my gosh, go to Maine. It's beautiful.
* I saw so many lighthouses and climbed one of them.
* I ate so much seafood it's stupid.
* The seafood was amazing.
* Whole lobster, clams, crab melt, crab rangoon DIP, lobster mac and cheese, lobster rolls, coconut shrimp, scallops, clam chowder, etc.
* My clothes are fitting better.
* I could wear my white capris and they weren't tight. Tight white = not good.
* I wore a khaki skirt I haven't been able to wear in two years.
* When I came back, my weight was 199.9 pounds.
* That means I only gained ONE POUND. (Trust me, that is a miracle.)
* I also didn't cross back over into the 200s, which I was REALLY scared about.
* My weigh in yesterday was euphoric because of that.
* I drank a lot of wine and local beer.
* I ate french fries for the first time in a while, and they were amazing.
* We did a bit of walking in Maine.
* Gaining one pound for eating out morning, noon and night is pretty awesome.
* At times, I feel like continuing this blog.
* I can't wear my jeans for more than one day. They get too big.
* I didn't hold back with eating.
* I am excited to be back on track. Kind of. :)
* I am humbled by the fact that I was/am too heavy. I am glad I have experienced it.

CONS:
* I am not thin.
* I started this public blog to help motivate myself to get thin.
* I'm a little embarrassed that I'm not thin.
* I dislike so many pictures from vacation because I see someone who is still too heavy. That is a shame, because the pictures are really very beautiful.
* I HATE that I think that about pictures. I love pictures.
* I think one of my boobs is the size of my face. That needs to change immediately.
* I had to get into a program to be successful. I couldn't do it on my own.
* There are people who had babies, and at the peak of the pregnancy didn't weigh as much as I do. Or did.
* How can I continue this blog if I'm already 30? Thin by 31? Thin during 30? Fit by 40??!?!
* I think about food a lot. Like, when we were walking around in Maine... sometimes I'd be thinking about/looking forward to the next feeding time if I was hungry.
* I feel like as a heavy person, I shouldn't be thinking about food. Like, I shouldn't be hungry. I ought to have enough stored away.
* I wonder if people look at me eating, wondering why I am eating.
* That's insane.
* My trip back to MD was hell. I stopped at McDonalds and got fries & a diet coke.

And here are some pictures. I think you'll see what I mean by some of them. Some, I love. Some, I wish I was smaller. Thank you for reading my rambles. And, if you care to share, what's your opinion of me continuing the blog?

to the guys

To the guys who have read my blog, thank you. To the gals who have read my blog, thank you. But this one's for the guys.

Dear men,

Sup. Thanks for stopping by. Grab a beer and have one for me, please. Blue Moon is my favorite. Do it justice, and throw in an orange slice. I don't know if you read because your wife, sister or mom told you she thinks I'm funny. I'm not sure if you read because you've dealt with weight loss. (Doubtful.) I don't know if you read because you remember small Megan, and you want her back as badly as I do. I've got bad news though; she's not coming back. A new one is coming, Megan 3.0. A better version. Don't worry, I'll still be hilarious and out-burp every single one of you.

I'll still made chip beef dip on Sundays in the fall and invite people over to watch Mac and me scream at the tv and each other. I'll still scream at hockey games while eating peanuts and drinking $10 beers. I'll still make the best chex mix you've ever had in your life, pretty amazing cookies, and I'll try to feed you until you're uncomfortably full.

But really, when you guys have "liked" my blog links, or told me you've read this blog, I'm shocked. Wth. Isn't it a little too girly for you? What about all those terrible womanly things I write about? Um, do those speak to you? Do you feel like you've just learned the secret pains your wife, mother, sister or friends are dealing with, like bloating and bitchiness? If so, I'm happy to enlighten. Consider it my freaking pleasure.

Next, have you had weight problems? I can't think of a single guy with "weight issues." I mean, I know guys who have gained and lost weight, but they're guys, so they don't broadcast it in some needy fashion. (Like someone we know.) Do guys' clothes ever get tight? And lastly, can one of you please explain to me how your legs never change? Literally, girls gain weight and some of it goes to the legs. Guys, all of them seem to have amazing legs. Never get bigger, never get smaller. Basically, a non-issue. Just in case you're wondering, when most girls gain weight, it goes everywhere. For real, my fingers are chubby.

Ok, lastly, thanks. Thanks for reading, thanks for quoting my blog back to me. It's incredibly sweet, and I appreciate it. Now finish your beer. Stop milking it, you bitch.

Love,
Megan

p.s. I lost .6 pound. (How am I supposed to write that? I lost .6 an ounce? 6/10 of a pound? I don't know. Apologies for the bad grammar.) As they say in sports, a win is a win.

Left the 200s.

I did it. Lost 3.9 pounds, weighed in at 199.5 and broke the twos. Phewf. That was fun. I really hope to never visit them again. Really. Again, nothing wrong with being in the 200s, but I don't believe my body is built for that number. So, down we go.

I've been thinking about how glad I am that I shared my weight. Initially I shared it for selfish reasons. (The good kind of selfish, if that makes sense.) I am a somewhat logical person, so seeing the actual number go down vs. "I lost 2 lbs, I lost .8 lbs," etc. seemed easier. I also shared it because what's the point of having a honest blog with an elephant in the room? I viewed my weight as the elephant. Now that Dumbo has been out of the closet for a while, we can all move on.

You know why I'm really happy I shared my weight now? Because I like to think it made one person feel better about themselves or their own weight. I don't know who that person is. I don't know other peoples' weights. Weight is a VERY PERSONAL matter and it's totally a private thing. Am I embarrassed that some of my guy friends who tower over me weigh the same as or less than I do? Eh. It used to. But it doesn't necessarily bother me. Weight means something different for everyone. You can be 5' and 200, 5'5" and 200 and 6' and 200, and not one person will look even remotely the same. I bet two people the same height can each weigh 200 and look different due to shapes. It's amazing.

Anyways, back on track. What if there was someone else out there who was unsure of themselves because of their weight, got bored for a hot second and read my blog? What if it put a smile on their face because they are either a) not as big as me, or b) my weight? What if that one person felt like there was someone else they could relate to, i.e. Megan? How freaking cool is that? I know it makes me happy. Every time someone has told me, texted me, facebooked me, called me or emailed me to tell me how they or someone they know has "been there"... well it's just fantastic. Safety in numbers, for sure.

Lastly, want to know kind of a weird day dream of mine? Of course you do. For everyone to walk around with a sign on them giving their weight. Again, I get that it's personal, but how liberating would that be? I also think most of us would be shocked by other's weights. Maybe I'm just not good at guessing, but it could be kind of fun?

Ok, scratch that last paragraph. If I asked people to do that in Philly, they'd throw beer bottles at me, ever so appropriately.

p.s. It was really fun when I typed my weight on the side bar. I accidentally started with 2, then had to backspace to type 1. That made me smile. :)

I gained.

I gained 2.3 pounds. For several reasons, and I will explain one of them here. I woke up Saturday morning, after doing pretty well all week, and I was under 200. Yay! What better way to celebrate than going to FOUR wineries with my cousins and Aunt and Uncle, followed by a bbq? Well, the next day, I was like five pounds heavier. Shocking.

Am I upset? Eh. It happens. If I was to weigh in today, it would have only been a .3 pound gain. I seem to have magically lost two of the pounds already. Sometimes, I can literally gain and lose several pounds in one day. Am I mad? Eh. It happens. What are you going to do?

I'm choosing not to be upset or mad or frustrated. I'm choosing to still feel proud. I lost weight for 8 consecutive weeks, and that feels like a giant success to me. In fact, maybe it was about time I gained some weight. I'm not perfect, I'm not going to weigh 160 by the time I'm 30, and I am perfectly ok with that. Because it's progress. It happens, and there is no point in getting mad. Will I have a better week? Of course. I actually went to the gym three times last week, so I will repeat that. I am still doing well, day to day. There's no point in kicking myself.

I don't want to yell at myself. Overall, I'm still down. I wouldn't even say I've fallen off of the wagon or anything like that. I don't know. I'm sure some people would be really mad, but I'm too relaxed to be mad. What's the point? I'll just try to do better, it's that simple. :)

Oh, and Happy Anniversary Mac. I love you. I'm grateful you loved me at 140, 180 and 220, and now. I'm so thankful for your support, and I'm happy you never yell at me. I'm so lucky to have someone who loves me at all my sizes, my ups and downs, and yet still, encourages me to live a healthier life, so we can be around for many, many years together. I love you for all that, and so much more.

Pass Megan Sweets

Or Pass Megan Salt. Or Pass Megan Sugar.

See what I did there? It's time to do the post on why women's weight can be different than men's. Starting with a monthly timeline and the horrors of PMS.

For my research, I went to the "ever-reliable" WebMD.

Premenstrual Syndrome physical symptoms include: breast swelling and tenderness, bloating, weight gain, water retention, changes in bowel habits (I can't believe I just typed that), acne, nipple discharge, food cravings, especially sweet or salty foods, sleep pattern changes, fatigue, lack of energy, decreased sexual desire and lastly, pain, including headaches, cramps, leg pains and lower back pains.

Clearly, I've highlighted the parts that have to do with weight gain. Um, take a look at those horrible symptoms again. Those are AWFUL. Do I believe PMS to be a myth or a fact? Fact, all the way. In fact, I bet you anything most women will tell you they suffer from at least 2 of those symptoms. Me? I don't suffer from all of them, but I can vouch for several being true.

Premenstrual Syndrome behavioral symptoms include: aggression and withdrawal from family and friends.

T for true. Not intentional, but it can happen.

Premenstrual Syndrome emotional and cognitive symptoms include: depression, sadness, hopelessness, anger, irritability, anxiety, mood swings, decreased alertness and the inability to concentrate.

Alrighty. T for true for this too, kind of. Good to know I can blame my ADD on PMS as well. That will be a new excuse I throw into the mix.

Have you seriously gotten this far? Do you honestly wonder why women eat so much and gain weight during pms?! Seriously, I should be drunk during that time as well! It's miserable!

Um, then let's follow all of this up with the period. For the love of God. Not even going there, but let's just say parts of that can be terrible as well.

No wonder men supposedly lose weight more easily with women. They don't have a monthly battle to deal with. Well, technically, Mac does. It's me. :)

Anyways... moving on to the points of this blog. Let's outline what a month can look like for Megan.

Week 1: Man it's a beautiful day outside! I'm doing a good job with my weight loss. Traffic? Who cares? I love everyone and everything! Life is great!

Week 2: More of the same.

Week 3: This weather sucks. All weather sucks. I suck and you suck. My weight loss sucks. This bowling ball in my stomach sucks. Traffic sucks. I hate everything, especially Hallmark commercials that make me cry hysterically. Why did I gain weight this week? Oh, because I ate everything. Will did I yell at Mac? I can't remember. Must be the ADD.

Week 4: More of the same, but a little more mellow. Weight loss still not good.

Week 5/Week 1: Repeat everything, and all that "water weight" goes away, like it's some sort of blessed miracle.

Ultimately, if I was to eat perfectly, work out perfectly, and never misbehave, I still think that simply "being a woman" would affect my weight loss. Is everything I typed an excuse? Maybe in your opinion. But for me, it's true, and you know what? I'm banking on using these "excuses" till menopause. So, watch out. And around the third and fourth week of the month, don't call me fat.

How to lose .8 pound(s)

I lost .8 lb. Would you like to know how I did it? Follow these steps.

1. Get a ticket for a baseball game in MD in late June during a heat wave.
2. Go to Camden Yards and sit in the seat, in the sun for the entire game.
3. Ta Da.

Yep, I'm pretty sure the only reason I lost any weight is because I went to the baseball game. I left .8 of Megan in some seat in the outfield. I believe if there was a roof over Camden Yards, that place would have stunk to high heavens. Sweat marks on shorts, shirts and hats were acceptable. No judging. Everyone was soaked.

I also went on a walk with Mac one night and went to the gym the other day. I ate tons of bruschetta and edamame. Lots of fresh fruit too. That's where the good part ends.

Because I had popcorn. FOUR TIMES. At the movies, at the baseball game, at home watching Pulp Fiction for the first time, and again last night because I was craving salt and butter like nobody's business. Oh, and at home, I followed the popcorn with some peanut butter M&Ms. I'm rolling my eyes at myself. I lost control, but I think I have it back. Let's blame it on PMS. I may do an entire post about the truths of pms. I mean, how lovely would that be.

Bless Mac's heart too, he tried to stop me. I approached him about 15 times yesterday, telling him I wanted popcorn. "No, Megan. Be strong. It's just in your head. Go to the gym and see if that will quench your craving." 10:00 rolled around, Real Housewives of NJ came on, and I needed some popcorn. I will send the remaining kernels home with my brother in law, because they can't stay here. I WILL eat them.

Anyways, for whatever reason, I don't really NEED to have popcorn today. Or m&ms. I do have a strong desire to go to the gym, and I will once I'm done writing this post.

I also need to be careful. I didn't eat many meals last week. It was just sooooo hot, and all I wanted was bruschetta, edamame, babybel cheese and fruit. I threw out two Jenny Craig meals in the middle of eating them because they tasted bad. I'm sure two months ago they would have tasted fine, but I think I'm getting to the "sick of the food" point. I'll keep it up, but it's about that time where they encourage you to bring in your own food. Sounds good to me!

Goals for this week:
* Leave the 200s.
* Go to the gym at least 4 times.
* Eat MEALS.
* Continue to drink oodles of water.
* If brother in law doesn't want popcorn, throw away devil kernels.
* Set alarm for 10:00 AM. Stop sleeping in till PM times. You are a grown up, fool.

Compliments

I lost 1 pound. As of right now, I have officially lost 15.5 pounds since starting Jenny Craig, and a little over 20 pounds from a year ago. I have a ways to go, but I'm doing a little jig. :)

I've read and reread this post about ten times. It seems really jumbled, and I'm chalking it up to having a summer brain. :) Sorry for run-on sentences, but I'm too lazy to grab my high school grammar text book and double check things. :)

I've thought about this for a while, and I think there are three compliments that I consider to be the best, at this point in my life.

#1: "You are so tan!"
Well, thank you!. It's what the Kellys do. We go to the beach, or the pool and we get tan. When someone tells me I'm tan, you'd think they just referred to me as Heidi Freaking Klum. It is a high compliment to me. Don't bother with the lectures of the dangers of sun rays, I'm Vitamin D's #1 fan. I stopped wearing oil years ago, (yes I wore oil up through college) and stopped when Mac asked me to, saying he wanted me to "be around for a while." :) I feel better about myself when I'm tan, dumb as that may sound. I love the sun, love spending time outside, and love being in the presence of some body of water. I do not use tanning beds or spray on tans; I don't believe in them. I get my tan the natural way, and I wear sunscreen, 15 or 30. It is a compliment for you to call me tan, and without thinking or blinking, I will thank you.



#2: "Wow, you take head meds?"
Um, omg. When I have chosen to tell people this in person, I have expected all sorts of reactions. I have only gotten positive ones. People being patient, understanding, resourceful, knowledgeable, etc. It has restored all faith in humanity, dramatic as that may sound. The highest compliment is when I've decided to share with someone that I take medicine for depression and anxiety, and they appear shocked. I don't believe it's rehearsed. I don't believe it's fake. I choose to believe people's reactions are usually true, because I'm a bad liar myself. It's the highest compliment when someone tells me they had no idea. You mean you didn't know I was crazy?!!?!?!??! Thank GOD, I've been trying to hide it for so long. You mean you know someone who is too?!?!?!?!?! Thank GOD, I thought I was the only one. You mean you had a Meltdown TOO at some point in your life? Thank GOD, because we can relate! No seriously, it's so comforting. It is, without a doubt, the BEST compliment I can ever receive. I didn't even know how high of a compliment it was until I considered it my biggest "issue."



#3: "You look thin!"
Actually, as amazing as this compliment is, I only believe it if I feel it. The others, well I can buy. They're easier for me to understand. Tan? Yes, well I've been to the beach. Normal? Yeah, I've been working on masking my "nuttiness" with humor for years now. Thin? Ummm... that depends on how I'm feeling today.

Don't get me wrong, it's a wonderful compliment. I appreciate it no matter what, but it takes a special kind of day, kind of outfit for me to feel thin. There's no black or white answer to feeling thin either. I either do, or I don't.

If I've lost weight at my weekly weigh-in, I usually feel pretty good. If I've drank a bunch of water recently, I feel pretty good. If my pants fit well, I usually feel pretty good. If I've worked out, I feel pretty good.

Here's to feeling good, feeling better, and feeling the best that I can.

Falling off the wagon

This post is supposed to be about falling off of the wagon. Because I did. I fell off. I had Mexican for dinner. I had Rita's soft serve ice cream. (Kid size, vanilla, rainbow jimmies, bc that's what they're called.) Nothing kid about the size that I got though. I had wings, beer, light beer, tortilla chips, and then we hosted supper club. I made homemade pie and ate some. I drank rum. I had bread with dipping oils. I ate some candy.

By some crazy miracle, I lost weight. 1.7 pounds to be exact. I went in for my weigh in today, prepared to have gained.

I have two theories for my losing weight. Would you like to hear them? I thought so.

Theory #1: This theory is tmi, so if you don't want to read something tmi, skip this paragraph. Last week, period visited. PMS attacked from all sides. Mac took several verbal beatings. I cried every other day, at all times of the day. And, true to form, I was bloated and really thirsty, drinking obscene amounts of water. I think one of the reasons I lost weight today is because said situation is gone. Water weight is gone. Or something like that.

Theory #2: I listed everything bad that I ate up top. But do you know what's interesting? What I did this past week was, believe it or not, still better than what I used to do. Are all of those foods good? Nope. Did I eat most of them in moderation? Yep. 5 wings instead of 10. 1 piece of pie with no ice cream, etc. So I guess that's it. It just seems like falling off the wagon now. Which is a good thing, I think. I shouldn't behave like that every week. It was a special week!

I live for special days and weeks. I love to celebrate anything and everything. SCHOOL IS OUT! If you know me in person, you know this was a difficult year for me, and I'm so relieved to be finished. I have almost done several cartwheels, seriously. And I've celebrated. All teachers who do their job should celebrate. Well, if you work hard, you should celebrate. It's summer! The best season! The time for living in a bathing suit!

Um, about the bathing suit. More on that later. I can tell you I will do a better job this week. The other good news? I'm staring to notice more. Other people are being polite and asking. (They read the blog.) I am getting a little flatter in the front, and I'm so happy about that. So, I'll keep going.

Lastly, I am 10 pounds away from my halfway goal with Jenny Craig. Um, that is crazy. I feel good, but to imagine another 40 pounds? I'll be smokin', for sure.

Trouble Spots

I guess I was lucky. When I gained all my weight initially, the weight went on evenly. Every part of me got bigger. Maybe that's one of the reasons I felt that it crept up on me. It wasn't just one area. Of course certain areas didn't get bigger until the peak of my weight gain, but still, they eventually came. Two things that people have said to me stick out in my mind.

#1: A friend asked me why, in pictures, I wasn't smiling as big. I didn't understand it. I looked at pictures to see what she was talking about, and my heart sank when I realized what she meant. My smile was the same size as it had always been, and I like my smile. However, because my face had puffed out some, my smile looked smaller. My cheeks, jaw and neck made me look like I wasn't as happy.

#2: One of my friends gained a bunch of weight during her first year of work. While I didn't realize it as much, because she has a pretty small frame, she gained about 20 - 25 lbs. I think. She was the one who complimented me for carrying my weight gain so well, and she was envious that I gained it evenly. She, on the other hand, only gained it in her stomach. No different anywhere else in her body. This type of weight gain could make her look disproportional. Or anyone for that matter.

Look, these are both dear friends who spoke honestly to me, and that is one of the many reasons I love them. I never thought about my smile changing, and I can't wait for my face to un-puff itself. I never thought about how I had gained weight evenly. I guess I was lucky. I am and look overweight, but I am quite proportioned.

Now, for the losing weight. I lost 1.1 pounds since last Wednesday. Not bad, I will take it. I'm just looking to get at least one pound down each week. Totally healthy and totally rewarding to see a new number on the scale. I actually glared at the scale today, before I got on it, hoping to see 204 somewhere on it. (In my mind, it's like I'm a character in a sitcom. The scale is the enemy, of course.) Next week, I'm hoping to see 203 or 202. Etc.

Anyways, to the trouble spots, the title. Everyone's got their trouble spots, so do I. Just like I gained weight evenly, I'm losing it evenly. But I'm not looking at many parts of my body. I'm looking at what appears to be some sort of a spare tire, and it has nothing to do with my car. This spare tire doesn't cost $150 - $200, but it has been bought and paid for. This spare tire doesn't even look even. It looks bigger on the left side. (How is that even possible?!) It's getting smaller, but so are other parts of my body. I'm bad though, I just keep staring at this one spot. I'm not thinking about my hips, or my legs, my rear, my chest or my face right now. I'm looking at what I think is my biggest trouble spot.

I don't think my stomach will go away with crunches. Exercise, sure. But it's going to take significant weight loss to see the desired result I'm after. Is my muffin top getting smaller? Yes. Do I still have a stomach? Yes. Am I a little too fixated on my stomach? Maybe. It's my trouble spot right now. It's the number one reason I dislike pictures. After that, just throw in my whole upper body. I feel like I look fleshy. I don't want to be fleshy. I don't want to be husky. I want to look more feminine, and I feel like losing weight is helping me accomplish that.

When food fights back...

Today in class...
Student: Mrs. Campbell, is your stomach ok?
Me: Yes, why? (Dreading the inevitable.)
Student: Well, it just looks kind of fat.
Me: Punts child out of class. Ok, but you know, that's not really the nicest thing to say, ok? I'm not mad at you, but we just shouldn't say those things to people. (She hugged me at the end of class, and seriously, she's 6. And, I'm totally kidding about punting the child. I would never dream of making a field goal or an extra point with a kid.)

I was incredibly nervous for my weigh in today. My food intake has been great. My adult beverage intake... I mean, I was at the beach over the weekend. It seems to be a trend to have a cold one or a glass of wine at the end of a long, grueling day of tanning oneself. Again though, food intake has been great.

I am down 2.6 pounds. YAYAYAYYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY! Now, on to the main subject, when food fights back.

In college, when I was studying for finals, I parked myself in the hallway of the third floor of West dorm, armed with books, notes, a roll of cookie dough and a spoon. I hate half the roll. Sometimes friends would stop by for a bite. I didn't get sick, but I sure didn't feel well.

During my second year of teaching, I went to visit my parents in SC. We went out to dinner and I ate 40 crab legs. I didn't get sick, but the pain I was in at 3 AM that night/morning was torturous.

Sometime during high school, I realized that I was somewhat allergic to barbeque chips. I don't get sick, but I get ulcers/canker sores on my tongue. It swells and I have a lisp for a few days.

Sometimes spaghetti and hot brownies give me heartburn. So do Amaretto Sours..

When I was working at Springdale Farm Market during high school and then college summers, I saw one of my bosses, Mary Ann eat a tomato with salt on it. What a perfect combination! The food there is amazing. Even though the bakery is incredibly good, there is nothing like the fresh produce that walks in that back door. The tomatoes are warm from being out in the sun. Same with the beans, watermelon, strawberries and tons of other good things. So the bushels of grape tomatoes would come in, and sometimes we would eat little bites. I would bite the tip off of a grape tomato, pour a little salt into it, and finish the other half. It only took one day of doing that to realize how dumb it was. My tongue swelled up from multiple ulcers. They lined the sides of my tongue, making it painful to talk. (That, however, is probably a good thing!) My tongue gets slits across the top in the most painful way possible.

I also get ulcers from clementines. The acid is just too much for me in certain doses. I get them from stress as well. It's awful. Instead of pimples showing up on my face (which of course they do sometimes), I get these annoying little bumps on my tongue that alter my speech and throw me off for a couple days.

So, moral of the story? I still eat all of those things I mentioned above. (Well, not the cookie dough right now. But I did have about 10 crab legs over Memorial Day weekend. And no bbq chips either.) I just have to eat them in smaller amounts. Sometimes though, I forget to have smaller amounts, or I just don't care because the food is so good. Do you do that? Suffer through pain because food is worth it? Of course you probably don't. What maniac would bring this on themselves?

A few weeks ago, I was bringing clementines to school for a snack, and naturally, I patted myself on the back for eating something healthy. Bravo, Megan. Of course I suffered the consequences.

I ate several grape tomatoes over Memorial Day weekend I have a few ulcers, but you know what? I don't care, not today. I didn't even want salt with them. During the summer months, I also love bruschetta. I like to make it using only tomatoes, garlic and basil. So if you know me and we hang out in person, changes are you'll hear or see me having trouble speaking. I mean, I guess the ulcers on my tongue are better than the pains from too much cookie dough or heartburn from brownies, right?

Left the 210s

The best news: I lost 3.7 pounds this week! My weight is currently 208.3. That is also the lowest I've seen in this blog so far! Good bye 220s, 210s and hopefully soon the 200s. For GOOD. I can't wait for that to happen!

The worst news: I am having some MAJOR problems with this blog! Technical problems that is. I can't get my updates done correctly, and the little updates you see have literally taken me HOURS to do. I'll wait for the page to load, press the space bar twice, leave the computer as it figures itself out and go do something else, and come back 15 minutes later to type two keys. Oi ve, it is so frustrating. I really want to show updates on the side, but please bear (bare?) with me as I deal with the internet and the computer, two of my worst enemies! :)

The good news: I have not eaten one single M&M from the candy dish. I had one about two centimeters away from my mouth Saturday night and Mac told me to stop. Good job and thank you, Mac! I have still been eating a ton of vegetables. I have not been very hungry. I am learning that I mostly ate before for flavor, not for hunger. I am optimistic. I have made lots of good choices and only a few risky choices.

The bad news: I have not worked out. I am afraid of this mentality: "I worked out, so I can eat this." I know it's mind over matter, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to tackle that yet. The other bad news is that I drank a couple times this weekend, if you could that as bad news. More bad news is that sometimes I still eat dip with raw veggies.

The confusing news: I am a stubborn person and sometimes have a habit of not understanding things. (I'm not calling myself stupid, just trying to paint a picture here...) For example, I see my brain as Earth. It is one size. It cannot grasp the concept of the entire universe. Herego, I cannot understand some things. I'm really good at math, but can't do calculus. I'm really good at music theory, but can't do 20th century form. This brain of mine gets me into trouble sometimes. My Jenny Craig consultant tells me things I don't agree with or things I can't GRASP sometimes. For example, a conversation between us...

Megan: Does edamame count as a free vegetable?
Judith: No, technically edamame counts as a meat.
Megan: What?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Judith: Well, it has soy in it.
Megan: (keeps mouth shut)

I can't even begin to understand how edamame counts as a meat. Just doesn't make sense to me. Edamame is a soy bean. It grows in the ground, or from the ground. It is NOT a chicken, cow, pig or any type of animal. Meat comes from animals. Vegetables come from the ground. This is killing me. I will play along, and not eat it like it's a free vegetable, but you will probably never get me to understand that edamame is a meat just because of soy (whatever that is). That's like trying to tell me tofu is meat. I'm sorry, but what animal is tofu from again? I'm shaking my head like a rattle right now. Still blows my mind! :)

Ultimately, I am feeling pretty good. I am literally feeling better, from inside out and I'm not so bloated. I don't feel so chubby. The outside is a work in progress. :) It will come.

Fat Pants

Fat Pants: any pair of pants, where the wearer can feel comfortable and without worry about how they looked, only that they are the most comfortable pants ever. Fat pants may be: old, a size too large, or stretched from excessive use.

Before the movie started, all the girls prepared for girls' night by making popcorn, getting out ice cream, and putting on fat pants.


That is urban dictionary's definition. I happen to agree with it. I believe I started using the term "fat pants" after Ashley introduced it to me while I was in college. It encompasses all types of pants... yoga, pajama, sweats, swishy (because those were still in at some point). I believe anything with a button, snap or zipper does not qualify. Fat pants are strictly elastic. I should know. I have a ton.

I used to change into fat pants the second I got home from work. Part for celebration in the fact that my day was done. Part for the fact that my regular pants weren't so comfortable on me. I wanted out of whatever was creating a muffin top. My parents were visiting one time, and I came home from school, went into the bedroom, changed into fat pants, an oversized fleece and my uggs. My dad had the audacity to question my fashion sense. HEllOOO. I have worked my tush off all day, and now I'd like to slosh around in oversized clothes that are also warm (hence the uggs). That oufit has many to match, and it's my favorite thing to wear in the winter. Sometimes, if I'm really cold, I'll add a fancy scarf and a hat as well. Basically, I look fantastic.

There are only two things that bother me when it comes to fat pants.

#1: I don't own any pants with writing on the back. As if I need more attention. A paw print for a school mascot? I can deal with that. The words hot, pink, sexy, smokin, etc. shouldn't be printed in block letters on someone's badunkadunk.

#2: I have never tried to pass off fat pants as dress pants. This bothers me to no end. I must admit that I HAVE worn and DO wear t-shirt skirts, jersey material dresses and linen capris/skirts with drawstrings to work. (Judge if you need to.) I really can't stand when people wear fat pants at work. ANY work. It just looks so bad. The only people in a school building who should wear fat pants are the PE teachers and the school nurse.

Listen, I get that fat pants are comfortable. I get that teachers need to move around. (I usually talk about teachers, because that's what I am, and so unfortunately, the whole lot takes the fall. ;) ) But the thing is, if you're 100 pounds, 200 pounds, 300 pounds or 400 pounds, there is a store that makes dress clothes for you. You can look appropriate while at work regardless of your size.

Also, I should say that I don't always look perfect for work. I wear little, if any make up because I don't usually like to have make up on my face. I wear my hair back because of the possibilty of lice. I wear my glasses, thinking I can block the baggies under my eyes with the frames. But you know what? From the neck down, I usually look pretty darn professional. Someone could dislike my outfit, but I button the button and zip the zipper and wear spanx if need be and deal with dress clothes. That's what people who work do. There are SO many people I work with who dress professionally, of all sizes. If they can do it, why can't others? Suck it up. It's work. Look professional. Chances are, you'll be more respected.

Ultimately, with just about 5 and a half pounds lost, my pants are fitting better. I don't even understand how that's possible, but I'll take it. So, as I type this, at 9:00 at night, after eating some dinner, I'm still in my work clothes. And that kind of makes me happy. I don't need to change into fat pants today.

Health Insurance

In the fall of 2009, I was denied health insurance from Blue Cross and Blue Shield. They told me I was in the obese category due to my height, weight and BMI, and therefore, they would not grant me coverage.

I was substitute teaching, which doesn’t provide benefits. I wear contacts/glasses, go to the dentist, doctor, etc. I needed health insurance. I was willing to pay a large amount per month to get it, and I was prepared to pay around $200 or $250 dollars per month. I filled out the online application, put in my height as 5’4”, my weight at 190 (was at the time) and listed everything medically that had ever been or was still wrong with me. Seemed pretty standard to me. I disclosed that I had my tonsils and adenoids out when I was 12, wisdom teeth out at 16, two benign lumps removed from my chest at 21 and listed any issues with vision, dental work, mental health and asthma. All of my medical “issues” seem pretty normal to me. No red flags here!

A couple weeks later, I received a letter in the mail. I sat down at the desk upstairs to read what I thought was going to be a letter welcoming me into the program and detailing the payments.

What I GOT was a rejection letter. The letter explained that due to my height and weight, they estimated by Body Mass Index (BMI) to be 31, which, to them meant obese. I probably read the letter five times I was so shocked. I didn’t even know they could deny health insurance to people. What if someone had cancer? Was pregnant? Needed medicine? Jesus, according to them, I was just a heffer, and, there are a lot worse things than that. What about all those other people?
I’m not sure who I called first, Mac or my parents or my sister. I don’t remember if I yelled or screamed or cried or threw something. I probably did all of those things though. Are you effing kidding me Blue Cross Blue Shield? You think I’m OBESE?! You think I’m too dangerous to insure? For the LOVE OF GOD. I have never, not even once, not even today considered myself obese. I reserve the word obese for someone who is like 600 pounds and has problems moving. Hello, I still move. A lot. I may be overweight, but obese?! Bitch, please.

How could someone deny me? I wanted to give them MONEY. I am not a risk! Again, I was/am overweight. Not fat. (Don’t like that word.) Not obese. I guess in my anger, I could have called them and complained. But I knew if I called them, I’d be crying on the phone to some person who didn’t really make the decision, all the while asking for their supervisor. I thought if I called, I may get personal with someone, asking what their BMI was, and if it was over 24, well HOT DAMN they’re lucky BCBS let them work there! And if I had gotten someone with a thick accent, I probably would have been a total biatch. Nothing worse than trying to get answers about a complicated issue (benefits, customer service, student loans, computers) from someone you can’t understand.

I didn’t apply for any other types of health insurance. I was too upset and so hurt. I did not ever want to see a rejection letter like that again. I’m actually still surprised it happened, to be honest. If I didn’t have health insurance now, I don’t know what I would do. Even though I truly believe in my heart that BCBS was wrong, I wouldn’t even want to read another letter that called me obese.

During that year, Mac and I were engaged. We consistently half-joked about going to the courthouse and getting married, just so I could share his benefits. We didn’t go to the courthouse, and fortunately, I didn’t have any huge medical issues. I am very lucky. I don’t know how I would have reacted if something had come up.

I don’t really have a point to that story, just that I am still shocked it happened. I’ve told a few other people, and their reactionary facial expressions justify my emotions. It is so comforting to have people agree with you, especially about a topic that hurts your feelings and/or angers you.

Soooooooooooo, now I joined Jenny Craig. Again. On their website, they have a BMI calculator. According to them, my BMI is 36.9. I am in the “very overweight” category. Alright, that’s fair. Yes, I am very overweight. My goal with them is to lose 50 pounds. Crazy thing, is that when I put in my goal weight (167), it still tells me I’m overweight. I mean, I guess I understand it. The thing is though, I know what I look like at different pounds. That’s why I think in terms of numbers. And at 167, I don’t think I’ll look that bad. I know that my face won’t get smaller until I hit 190, maybe a little less. (Mac thinks I’m crazy for thinking that. He told me my face looked thinner and I answered him with, “No, it won’t get thinner until I hit 190.”) I know that right now, I wear a size 16. About every 20 pounds, the size changes for me. I.e. at 200, I can squeeze into a 14. And of course you’re different sizes in different stores and different brands. Blah blah blah.

The almost-last thing I’m going to write about is how I wonder when I’ll feel good again. Like, not so much jiggle, less belly, smaller everything. Literally, feel better. I keep saying I felt good at my wedding, because I did. I hope that whenever I start to “feel good,” I keep up with proper eating habits, because feeling good may happen before my weight goal. And yes, clearly, I cannot lose 50 pounds by July 29th. If I do, someone call a doctor. But hopefully I’ll keep up with this for a little bit after my birthday as well. I want to feel so good that I won’t want to ruin it by eating out for dinner 4 times a week. I want to feel so good that I continue to weigh myself each day and maintain whatever weight I make it down to. I want to get back to believing the saying, “Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.”

And to conclude, I’m sure we all know where I think Blue Cross Blue Shield should go. My mom calls this attitude “Jersey attitude.” My dad calls it getting your “Irish up.” Mac calls me the “Meganator” when I become a full blown maniac. Ashley applauds this type of behavior, because she spends half her life throwing fits and putting people in their places. ;) And while I’m no longer sad, it would be wise for a rep from BCBS to never come in contact with me. I will become an Irish-Jersey-Meganator. And it is not pretty.


p.s. In spite of this blog having a somewhat negative story, I want to put it on the record that after my first week of Jenny Craig, I weighed in at 5.6 pounds less. I'll take it! :)

Joining a program

I’ve made an appointment with Jenny Craig. As dramatic as this may sound, I went through several emotional stages to get to this point.

The “no way Jose” stage:
I can do this weight loss thing on my own. I am smart. This will be easy! Just eat well and work out. I definitely don’t need a program to lose weight. I did before, but not anymore!

The “See I told you I could do it” stage:
I lost a few pounds. I worked out. I didn’t eat that badly. I journaled. So there. I proved it to myself.

The “I’m so confused why I’m not losing weight as I gobble m&ms” stage:
The scale goes up and down a few pounds. I still go to the gym, but am not really losing any weight. I feel strong, but because I’m doing such a good job at the gym, I reward myself, too much and too often.

The “angry” stage:
What the hell man. I’m working my butt off at the gym. This is ridiculous!

The “defeated” stage:
I should not have started such a public blog. I feel the urge to lie about my weight on my blog and then catch up behind it. (I have never lied about my weight on the blog.) I stop going to the gym. I lose energy and motivation. I am procrastinating, but I haven’t totally given up. Yes, I am aware 30 is right around the freaking corner.

The “ok, maybe I need help” stage:
Self-explanatory. I feel embarrassed and a little foolish. Programs work great, but why do I need one when I clearly know what is wrong and right? Why do I make bad choices?

The “curiosity” stage:
Research Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig. Maybe I should do a program. Look how well they work for everyone else, and quite frankly, it worked for me. At that time. The only reason I gained weight back is because I started ignoring everything I had learned and I stopped weighing myself.

The “I’m doing this come hell or high water” stage:
I decide to do Jenny Craig. It is ridiculously easy. Not thinking about meals or preparing things is kind of nice sometimes. I have a good history with Jenny Craig. I don’t think I’m strong enough to do Weight Watchers, where you can eat whatever you want. I think it’s an amazing program, but again, I don’t think I’m strong enough to have “anything I want” in the house. I know what you’re thinking. “Just don’t buy the bad stuff, Megan.” Well, you’re right. However, you haven’t experienced me in a grocery store. Sometimes I make noise out LOUD when I pass the Mint Milanos.

So this is where I am right now. I signed up for Jenny Craig. I have an appointment this afternoon at 4:00. It’s at the same center I went to before. I truly adored the consultants and while I got sick of some of the food, I got kind of excited seeing some of it again in an online menu. Some of their stuff is really good. I would buy it in a grocery store over Lean Cuisines any day. Some of their stuff is really bad.

I had to do a budget for this. I’m going to try to do it in under $300 per month. Their food is expensive. I think I’ll be buying lunch on my own though. I can make a good lunch for school. Tuna salad, chicken salad, sandwiches, regular salads. I can do that on my own and truthfully, their lunches are not that hot, in my opinion.

At the grocery store, the only groceries I will have to buy are lunch items, diet soda, veggies and fruit. That is not so bad. I will allow myself to go out to dinner once a week if something is planned. I’m not going to deprive myself. I know that sounds weird, but I truly feel like this is the best decision for me right now. I have realized that perhaps I am not strong enough to lose weight on my own. That thought really upset me in the beginning, but now… meh. Don’t care about the pride factor as much. Again, I lost weight before with this program, and I wasn’t even working out. Hopefully, I will be back to working out ANY DAY NOW, and that, combined with the program will do the trick.

I know it’s not a trick. I know there’s no secret to losing weight. I know that I won’t eat Jenny Craig for the rest of my life. I know I will have to work to maintain any weight I do lose.

I believe I can lose 10 pounds per month. That is about 2.5 pounds per week, and that is a healthy amount. I will probably be hungry in the beginning, but sometimes, when my stomach growls, I like to think it’s eating itself.  I also believe that if I had to be in the Hunger Games, I could survive for a little bit, because, I have some insulation. I am chubby Katniss. And, just like her, I support archery. (Side note, I am terrified of guns. Will never allow one in the house. Mac asked if we could have a taser. Hell to the no. I could see friends (including me) having a few drinks and deciding to try it out. However, I did tell Mac we could have a bow and arrow. That’s right. Then I told him, “You’re welcome.”)







I’m kind of glad I’m going back to something familiar. I feel like I know deep down that it will work. It’s like going back to your same vacation spot or watching your favorite movie. Amazing, every time. Ok, well maybe not amazing. But it’s reliable.

The bottom line is that if I am successful with Jenny Craig, I will be so happy. I will be healthier. I will be proud of myself, because program or no program, losing wieght is not easy, and whenever someone accomplishes a healthy weight loss, they should be congratulated.

Procrastination

I'm a huge procrastinator. I can only think of a few things in my life I haven't waited until the last second to complete: my arranging project, my recitals and my technology portfolio. Those things were just too big to put off. I completed them while in college.

I often host with wet hair because I'm showering 10 minutes before people come over due to the fact that I spent the whole day cleaning.

I get up for school at the last possible minute. Partly because I'm so sleepy, and partly because I can get ready quickly when I have to.

I waited a long time to get my wedding dress. I looked for a long time as well. Mac and I only tasted and ordered our cake on the Tuesday before our wedding. :)

I'm procrastinating on this weight loss thing. Clearly. Hello, my blog says "thin by thirty." THIN?! Actually, people have different opinions of what thin is. I do still believe I can get there. I actually believe I can get there by my birthday. I actually believe that losing 40 pounds can still happen. I may be foolish, but it's what I believe.

Here's the thing. My arranging project, my recitals and my technology portfolio were far from perfect. I mean, I passed. I got pretty decent grades. But perfect? Nope. I am still proud of those accomplishments, and anyone who did them in college should be. They're HARD. They were so very hard.

Weight loss is also SO VERY HARD. I went to my parents in SC over spring break. I did ok in the beginning. I asked my mom very bluntly if she thought I was over-eating. She told me not at all. Sweet! :) By the end of spring break though, I think I had drunk three bottls of wine, eaten a bunch of cheesecake and started drinking a couple regular cokes. Let's call those things "treats." I also didn't work out.

I came back last week, and I still didn't work out. Suffice it to say I was exhausted. I'm a night person, so over breaks, I start staying up late and sleeping in. Combine that with trying to get back on track to a school schedule, and allergy season, and I was a mess. I took naps after school, had a couple nose bleeds, my eyes were bloodshot for a little bit and I had a headache that lasted days. Uch. Spring. I love and hate you.

So, now it's Thursday night, and if I want to work out three (not even four) times this week, I have to go to the gym tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday. No qualms about it. I keep saying I have to eat better, work out, cut back, be disciplined. I mean all those things. Why am I not delivering?

I'm procrastinating, I guess. And I'm STUBBORN.

I totally believe weight loss programs can work. Jenny Craig worked for me in that I lost weight, without even working out. I learned lots of things. However, I'm being really stubborn right now and telling myself I can do this without the help of a program. I want to make decisions that I can keep up with in a year, five years and ten years. I want to literally change my diet. And by diet, I mean food I eat. No more overeating. Treats, sure. Not too many treats. Gym, definitely. I felt so good when I was working out. I want this to be a lifestyle change.

Last week I was pretty negative. Dare I say, unpleasant. I was tired and cranky. Guess what? No gym either. Funny how that works out.

I am also dealing with two major stresses right now. One is a work thing. My job is not totally secure. That makes me really scared. I'm procrastinating in talking to my bosses about my fears. The other is this blog thing. I go from feeling confident to foolish to guilty to strong to insecure to apathetic to embarassed to right now. Hopeful.

All of these stresses take a toll on my body. (Really, who doesn't have stress take a toll on their body?) I don't break out. I don't lose weight. I get ulcers in my mouth. My tongue swells (ew), and I have trouble eating and speaking correctly. I also eat for comfort. Um. Hmm. Not good Megan.

I may not want the help of a program, but oddly enough, writing this post has already made me feel better. I guess that's why I started, and it's good to remind myself. I may also go back to journaling, because I think at this point, it's important for me to see what I'm eating in a day.

Sorry if any of this seems needy. Again, thank you to anyone who read this long post. I know other people out there feel the same way.

The scale.

Should fitting into clothes that you wore a year ago be considered a victory? Absofreakinglutely.

Tonight, I tried on a bunch of shorts, skirts and capris from the past couple years. Even though I’m trying to lose weight, I’m really grateful that they fit. It is a huge sense of relief to me that I can still button everything, and it has been ok’d by another person (Mac). Do you get excited when you pull out something you haven’t worn in a while and it still fits, or even better, if it’s loose? I do. And yes, if something doesn’t fit, I get frustrated. I’ll admit to having several items of clothing in my closet that I’d like to fit back into. All in due time. Hopefully.

I’ve been thinking about the scale lately. If the scale and I were in a relationship, we’d need serious counseling. I feel like it lets me down, pumps me up, deceives me, lies to me, and changes on me with its passive-aggressive self. Truthfully though, it’s me. And that’s ok. At this point, I probably should be lower on the scale. But I've been enjoying food and/or drinks too much. I'm not down on myself, I'm just telling it like it is. If I want to lose weight faster, I'm going to have to change some things.



A lot of people don’t even own, or use scales. They judge their health by how they feel, how they look or how their clothes fit. That is perfectly fine. Me, I need the number. I need to see progress, because if it’s day 2 of wearing jeans, well you know I feel good. If it’s day 1 and they’re fresh-out-of-the-dryer, you know I’m doing squats in the bedroom before going out. I need the number. If it has gone up, I need to see that and reel myself in a little bit. Call me crazy, but if the scale says I’m 2 pounds lighter, I’ll usually feel 2 pounds lighter. I also double-check with the scale at the gym. Sometimes I weigh myself at night, just to see how much weight I can lose as I sleep. That is so weird, I know.

I also like the scale, because I equate the number with what I look like and how I feel. When I weighed 160, I was a size ten, and I felt good. By the end of July (bday time), I'd LOVE to be 170. I'll be really happy with myself if I get lower than 190. These numbers are completely DOABLE, if I truly put my mind to it. I bet some people think anything over 120 seems big, but just to give you an idea, when I was in college, I sometimes wore a size 6, and I weighed 140. Never felt like that was a large number. It's the height thing, I guess it plays in.

I won’t lie, this week has been tough. Spring break started(WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO) and I love to celebrate anything, so this = major celebration. And no, sadly, I don’t celebrate by going on the elliptical. I crack open a beer. I will say that up until the past few days, I’ve felt a decent change in my overall attitude. I’ve been somewhat perkier, a little happier and generally, more pleasant. I guess you could say I’m happier with myself. The past few days are an exception to how this month has been, and the past few days have been a little rough. I’m extremely anxious about a bunch of things, work, taxes, money, weight loss, but I’m going to focus this blog on the last month. Because these few days of anxiety are nothing compared to the goodness I’ve felt most of March.



I’m happy I’ve worked so much at the gym. I’m happy the elliptical is now at a level 8 for me, and the bike is at a level 6. I started at 7 and 4, respectively. I’m happy that my legs feel stronger, and sometimes they’re tired. I’m happy that my belly feels smaller. I’m REALLY happy with my new haircut. (Nothing to do with weightloss, but man, a good haircut can do wonders.)

I realize that the bike is not easy, just because you’re sitting down. I truly thought it would be easy the first time I got on it. I was wrong, oh SO wrong.
I realize that the harder I work out, the happier I am. I realize that when I shortened my stretching post-work out, I lost some flexibility. I realize that I can no longer go out in public after the gym, because the kind of sweating I do is almost similar to that of an animal. I realize that stretching after working out is SO important. I realize that I am a seasonal eater, and I should go with that. For example, I love tomato, mozzarella and basil with balsamic vinaigrette, so I’ve been eating a lot of that, and will probably start to eat more salads since it’s getting warmer out. I don’t like eating cold things when it’s cold out, and I don’t like eating hot things when it’s hot out. I realize that if I have something in the house, I’ll eat it. Allow me to share a defensive example:

• Last Friday, I was in a baking mood.
• I had all the ingredients for chocolate chip cookies.
• I LOVE chocolate chip cookies.
• If I make them, I’ll eat them. It’s just that simple.
• I had all the ingredients for banana bread.
• I’d never made banana bread.
• I don’t like banana bread.
• I made banana bread. 2 loaves.
• Halfway through the baking, I realized I could have included chocolate chips, and threw some in on TOP of one of the loaves.
• That just ended up looking silly at the end.
• I realized it was good I hadn’t started with the chocolate chips in the banana bread, because I would have fought my way through the banana bread to get to the chocolate.
• I took one loaf to Ilana, Jason and their new baby, Felicity.
• Mac ate the other.
• Overall, success.

One last thought. I’ve considered doing a weekly picture for myself, but posting a monthly one on the blog. A visual progression. I’ve heard pros and cons on doing this. Thoughts? Cares? Concerns? If you've tried this, has it worked for you?

7 deadly sins

The seven deadly sins are wrath, sloth, lust, greed, pride, envy and gluttony. I can tell you I am guilty of several of these.

Wrath: I believe this happens a lot when I am driving on the Beltway, a student talks during my class, or I am offended in some way. I can be very feisty at times, and while this certainly isn’t my best side, it happens. Kind of like a temper tantrum. Adult sized.

Sloth: I wonder if any time I take a nap I am considered sloth-like? Because if that’s the case, I’m definitely guilty. Sometimes I’m apathetic about eating well or exercising. Sometimes I’m not. But sometimes I am. This is what I look like while on the couch.

Lust: I actually don’t have a problem with this one. I am fortunate and am crazy about Mac. Moving on. Unless of course we consider Brooks Laich, Alex O’Loughlin or Captain Jack Sparrow. You may be thinking, “Johnny Depp?” No, you’re wrong. Captain Jack Sparrow. You heard me.

Greed: This one definitely hits me hard. I want everything. And I want it now. I want more money. I want a better body. I want a lawn. I want a puppy. I want no financial worries. I want to eat a bag of double stuffed oreos and still have a decent figure. I want three day weekends every week.

See PINTEREST for pictures. You'll become greedy too.

Pride: I am a prideful person. I pride myself on being a good teacher, even though I have weak moments. I pride myself on being a good friend, even though I don’t call my friends often enough. I think about them all the time. I pride myself on being a good daughter, sister and wife, even though sometimes I probably disappoint my family members. If anyone questions my abilities as a friend, teacher, wife, daughter, sister, etc., consider it on-like-donkey-kong. I pride myself on making a good home and decorating well, but I don’t want anyone to see the messiness that sometimes takes place during the week. (i.e. I can clean like a mad man faster than anyone you know if I know someone is stopping by.) I like to think I have athletic abilities that still linger from my childhood, even though I wasn’t the best on any team I participated in. I can swim, play field hockey and lacrosse, hit a baseball far, a golf ball far and catch. Throwing a ball well is not my most consistent talent. Sometimes the ball goes at like a 90 degree angle and comes close to someone else on the beach. Last year, I was so sure I could swim the length of the pool underwater, and I couldn’t. I went back and did it a week later and have Shannon as my witness. My pride often puts my foot in my mouth. This is what a pretty room would look like in my house. Don't open any closet doors though.

Envy: Man am I guilty of this sin lately. I have been dealing with overwhelming feelings of jealousy and envy. Disclaimer: anyone who has something I want probably deserves it and probably has worked for it. But truth be told, I am still envious. I blame facebook and pinterest. Everyone posts pictures of good things in their lives, and I love it. I love it so much that I want it. I am actually happy for all those people who post beautiful pictures. And I’m a little envious. I am envious of those with a house. I am envious of those with a lawn. I am envious of those who can take trips without a care in the world (it seems, at least.) I am envious of those with good, toned figures. I am envious of other people’s awesome outfits and abilities to pull off heels and fun jewelry. I am envious of those who live in a city and don’t have a car. It seems so liberating. I am envious of those who live in the country. I bet they see lots of stars every night. I am envious of those who live in a neighborhood, even though I love our apartment and our apartment complex. Even though I am envious of about a million things, believe it or not, I am so grateful for everything I do have. I’ve read somewhere that if you want someone else’s life, then you have to take the bad with the good. I’m having the time of my life dealing with my own problems. No need to try to wrangle with someone else’s!

Gluttony: Sweet Jesus. Um yes, sign me up for that one. Is there a gluttony anonymous meeting somewhere local? I don’t need to go to an Over-eater’s anonymous meeting, but how about a snackers meeting? Because truthfully, my meals aren’t what do me in. It’s my snacking. For the love of a hippopotamus, I can put away snack food like you’ve never seen. Well, unless you’ve seen my dad eat. Have I mentioned before that he has an actual strategy for eating twelve donuts within 24 hours? He’ll explain it to you if you ask, and he’ll be really excited about it. Yes, Dave Kelly is a snacker. So is his daughter. When I was in high school, he used to call me “tons of fun” and sometimes “thunder thighs.” Never once offended me. First, I wasn’t embarrassed about my size. Second, he was 100% joking. Third, he knew it didn’t bother me.

If I’ve told this story before, I apologize. In middle school, I was super skinny. Like, shot up five inches in 7th grade, had my tonsils and adenoids out at the end of that year, dropped 15 pounds (what a great diet- surgery), and weighed maybe 90 pounds? I was about 5’4” and 90 pounds. Ate all the time. I would try to polish off a bag of doritos before dinner. My dad told my mom he thought I had an eating disorder, because I ate so much junk, and was so skinny. She told him, just wait. She’s gonna grow OUT soon. Although I’m sure she said it nicer.
Sur enough, I did grow out. Two years later, my dad probably thought I had another eating disorder. I wasn’t chubby, but I just “thickened.” Then I kind of tapered off and went to college. Stayed around the same size. Fast forward, you’ve heard about post-college. My friend Gavin said the sweetest thing one time. He said girls shouldn’t get made fun of for gaining weight in college. He said it’s because they’re turning into women. Wow, how beautiful. And with all due respect to Gavin’s gorgeous wife Amy, this coming from him, the guy who doesn’t date bigger than a size 2, well, this was so sweet! What a nice way to describe weight gain. Becoming a woman. Um, then I am uber-woman.

Dare I say that my gluttony is making me un-woman-like. Linebacker shoulders. Hourglass figure turned to apple/orange/pear shaped all in one. Husky. Chins. Plump. Chubby. Chunky chunk. Glutton. Gluttony. I’m not voluptuous. I’m unhealthy.

Let me answer a question that someone may have, as I know I’ve asked myself this. If I’m doing so well with the gym (and I am), why only 5 pounds down? Diet. I’m not “dieting,” but literally, it’s my food diet. I am eating way too much, and even though I’m working out and getting stronger, the exercise can’t undo gluttony. So if you read the BRAVE column on the left, and wonder, “Why isn’t she losing weight?” now you know. It’s because I am a glutton. I mean, I don’t get sick. And I’m not someone who’s obsessed with eating. But ya, I eat out of boredom sometimes. It’s a habit I’m trying to break. I’ve been through some of this before.
The other night, I got really mad at myself. It’s bc I knew my weigh in was going to be bad. I didn’t want to post it. If I’d just freaking committed in the first place, or in the SECOND place, I wouldn’t be such a heffer. Ok, I’ll back off. But seriously. It’s my fault, and mine alone. I am definitely proud of myself for going to the gym. I look great when I come back, because I am a sweaty mess. But the eating. It’s got to change. It just has to. If my eating doesn’t change, I won’t change. I am proud of the exercise. It’s important to acknowledge that I have been successful in that area. But it's important to let yourself get frustrated sometimes too. Or cry. Or scream. Or look like the child in the first photo. So yeah, I guess today, I am going back and forth. I am proud, but I am a little ashamed, because I know I can do better.