to the guys

To the guys who have read my blog, thank you. To the gals who have read my blog, thank you. But this one's for the guys.

Dear men,

Sup. Thanks for stopping by. Grab a beer and have one for me, please. Blue Moon is my favorite. Do it justice, and throw in an orange slice. I don't know if you read because your wife, sister or mom told you she thinks I'm funny. I'm not sure if you read because you've dealt with weight loss. (Doubtful.) I don't know if you read because you remember small Megan, and you want her back as badly as I do. I've got bad news though; she's not coming back. A new one is coming, Megan 3.0. A better version. Don't worry, I'll still be hilarious and out-burp every single one of you.

I'll still made chip beef dip on Sundays in the fall and invite people over to watch Mac and me scream at the tv and each other. I'll still scream at hockey games while eating peanuts and drinking $10 beers. I'll still make the best chex mix you've ever had in your life, pretty amazing cookies, and I'll try to feed you until you're uncomfortably full.

But really, when you guys have "liked" my blog links, or told me you've read this blog, I'm shocked. Wth. Isn't it a little too girly for you? What about all those terrible womanly things I write about? Um, do those speak to you? Do you feel like you've just learned the secret pains your wife, mother, sister or friends are dealing with, like bloating and bitchiness? If so, I'm happy to enlighten. Consider it my freaking pleasure.

Next, have you had weight problems? I can't think of a single guy with "weight issues." I mean, I know guys who have gained and lost weight, but they're guys, so they don't broadcast it in some needy fashion. (Like someone we know.) Do guys' clothes ever get tight? And lastly, can one of you please explain to me how your legs never change? Literally, girls gain weight and some of it goes to the legs. Guys, all of them seem to have amazing legs. Never get bigger, never get smaller. Basically, a non-issue. Just in case you're wondering, when most girls gain weight, it goes everywhere. For real, my fingers are chubby.

Ok, lastly, thanks. Thanks for reading, thanks for quoting my blog back to me. It's incredibly sweet, and I appreciate it. Now finish your beer. Stop milking it, you bitch.

Love,
Megan

p.s. I lost .6 pound. (How am I supposed to write that? I lost .6 an ounce? 6/10 of a pound? I don't know. Apologies for the bad grammar.) As they say in sports, a win is a win.