When food fights back...

Today in class...
Student: Mrs. Campbell, is your stomach ok?
Me: Yes, why? (Dreading the inevitable.)
Student: Well, it just looks kind of fat.
Me: Punts child out of class. Ok, but you know, that's not really the nicest thing to say, ok? I'm not mad at you, but we just shouldn't say those things to people. (She hugged me at the end of class, and seriously, she's 6. And, I'm totally kidding about punting the child. I would never dream of making a field goal or an extra point with a kid.)

I was incredibly nervous for my weigh in today. My food intake has been great. My adult beverage intake... I mean, I was at the beach over the weekend. It seems to be a trend to have a cold one or a glass of wine at the end of a long, grueling day of tanning oneself. Again though, food intake has been great.

I am down 2.6 pounds. YAYAYAYYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY! Now, on to the main subject, when food fights back.

In college, when I was studying for finals, I parked myself in the hallway of the third floor of West dorm, armed with books, notes, a roll of cookie dough and a spoon. I hate half the roll. Sometimes friends would stop by for a bite. I didn't get sick, but I sure didn't feel well.

During my second year of teaching, I went to visit my parents in SC. We went out to dinner and I ate 40 crab legs. I didn't get sick, but the pain I was in at 3 AM that night/morning was torturous.

Sometime during high school, I realized that I was somewhat allergic to barbeque chips. I don't get sick, but I get ulcers/canker sores on my tongue. It swells and I have a lisp for a few days.

Sometimes spaghetti and hot brownies give me heartburn. So do Amaretto Sours..

When I was working at Springdale Farm Market during high school and then college summers, I saw one of my bosses, Mary Ann eat a tomato with salt on it. What a perfect combination! The food there is amazing. Even though the bakery is incredibly good, there is nothing like the fresh produce that walks in that back door. The tomatoes are warm from being out in the sun. Same with the beans, watermelon, strawberries and tons of other good things. So the bushels of grape tomatoes would come in, and sometimes we would eat little bites. I would bite the tip off of a grape tomato, pour a little salt into it, and finish the other half. It only took one day of doing that to realize how dumb it was. My tongue swelled up from multiple ulcers. They lined the sides of my tongue, making it painful to talk. (That, however, is probably a good thing!) My tongue gets slits across the top in the most painful way possible.

I also get ulcers from clementines. The acid is just too much for me in certain doses. I get them from stress as well. It's awful. Instead of pimples showing up on my face (which of course they do sometimes), I get these annoying little bumps on my tongue that alter my speech and throw me off for a couple days.

So, moral of the story? I still eat all of those things I mentioned above. (Well, not the cookie dough right now. But I did have about 10 crab legs over Memorial Day weekend. And no bbq chips either.) I just have to eat them in smaller amounts. Sometimes though, I forget to have smaller amounts, or I just don't care because the food is so good. Do you do that? Suffer through pain because food is worth it? Of course you probably don't. What maniac would bring this on themselves?

A few weeks ago, I was bringing clementines to school for a snack, and naturally, I patted myself on the back for eating something healthy. Bravo, Megan. Of course I suffered the consequences.

I ate several grape tomatoes over Memorial Day weekend I have a few ulcers, but you know what? I don't care, not today. I didn't even want salt with them. During the summer months, I also love bruschetta. I like to make it using only tomatoes, garlic and basil. So if you know me and we hang out in person, changes are you'll hear or see me having trouble speaking. I mean, I guess the ulcers on my tongue are better than the pains from too much cookie dough or heartburn from brownies, right?

Left the 210s

The best news: I lost 3.7 pounds this week! My weight is currently 208.3. That is also the lowest I've seen in this blog so far! Good bye 220s, 210s and hopefully soon the 200s. For GOOD. I can't wait for that to happen!

The worst news: I am having some MAJOR problems with this blog! Technical problems that is. I can't get my updates done correctly, and the little updates you see have literally taken me HOURS to do. I'll wait for the page to load, press the space bar twice, leave the computer as it figures itself out and go do something else, and come back 15 minutes later to type two keys. Oi ve, it is so frustrating. I really want to show updates on the side, but please bear (bare?) with me as I deal with the internet and the computer, two of my worst enemies! :)

The good news: I have not eaten one single M&M from the candy dish. I had one about two centimeters away from my mouth Saturday night and Mac told me to stop. Good job and thank you, Mac! I have still been eating a ton of vegetables. I have not been very hungry. I am learning that I mostly ate before for flavor, not for hunger. I am optimistic. I have made lots of good choices and only a few risky choices.

The bad news: I have not worked out. I am afraid of this mentality: "I worked out, so I can eat this." I know it's mind over matter, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to tackle that yet. The other bad news is that I drank a couple times this weekend, if you could that as bad news. More bad news is that sometimes I still eat dip with raw veggies.

The confusing news: I am a stubborn person and sometimes have a habit of not understanding things. (I'm not calling myself stupid, just trying to paint a picture here...) For example, I see my brain as Earth. It is one size. It cannot grasp the concept of the entire universe. Herego, I cannot understand some things. I'm really good at math, but can't do calculus. I'm really good at music theory, but can't do 20th century form. This brain of mine gets me into trouble sometimes. My Jenny Craig consultant tells me things I don't agree with or things I can't GRASP sometimes. For example, a conversation between us...

Megan: Does edamame count as a free vegetable?
Judith: No, technically edamame counts as a meat.
Megan: What?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Judith: Well, it has soy in it.
Megan: (keeps mouth shut)

I can't even begin to understand how edamame counts as a meat. Just doesn't make sense to me. Edamame is a soy bean. It grows in the ground, or from the ground. It is NOT a chicken, cow, pig or any type of animal. Meat comes from animals. Vegetables come from the ground. This is killing me. I will play along, and not eat it like it's a free vegetable, but you will probably never get me to understand that edamame is a meat just because of soy (whatever that is). That's like trying to tell me tofu is meat. I'm sorry, but what animal is tofu from again? I'm shaking my head like a rattle right now. Still blows my mind! :)

Ultimately, I am feeling pretty good. I am literally feeling better, from inside out and I'm not so bloated. I don't feel so chubby. The outside is a work in progress. :) It will come.

Fat Pants

Fat Pants: any pair of pants, where the wearer can feel comfortable and without worry about how they looked, only that they are the most comfortable pants ever. Fat pants may be: old, a size too large, or stretched from excessive use.

Before the movie started, all the girls prepared for girls' night by making popcorn, getting out ice cream, and putting on fat pants.


That is urban dictionary's definition. I happen to agree with it. I believe I started using the term "fat pants" after Ashley introduced it to me while I was in college. It encompasses all types of pants... yoga, pajama, sweats, swishy (because those were still in at some point). I believe anything with a button, snap or zipper does not qualify. Fat pants are strictly elastic. I should know. I have a ton.

I used to change into fat pants the second I got home from work. Part for celebration in the fact that my day was done. Part for the fact that my regular pants weren't so comfortable on me. I wanted out of whatever was creating a muffin top. My parents were visiting one time, and I came home from school, went into the bedroom, changed into fat pants, an oversized fleece and my uggs. My dad had the audacity to question my fashion sense. HEllOOO. I have worked my tush off all day, and now I'd like to slosh around in oversized clothes that are also warm (hence the uggs). That oufit has many to match, and it's my favorite thing to wear in the winter. Sometimes, if I'm really cold, I'll add a fancy scarf and a hat as well. Basically, I look fantastic.

There are only two things that bother me when it comes to fat pants.

#1: I don't own any pants with writing on the back. As if I need more attention. A paw print for a school mascot? I can deal with that. The words hot, pink, sexy, smokin, etc. shouldn't be printed in block letters on someone's badunkadunk.

#2: I have never tried to pass off fat pants as dress pants. This bothers me to no end. I must admit that I HAVE worn and DO wear t-shirt skirts, jersey material dresses and linen capris/skirts with drawstrings to work. (Judge if you need to.) I really can't stand when people wear fat pants at work. ANY work. It just looks so bad. The only people in a school building who should wear fat pants are the PE teachers and the school nurse.

Listen, I get that fat pants are comfortable. I get that teachers need to move around. (I usually talk about teachers, because that's what I am, and so unfortunately, the whole lot takes the fall. ;) ) But the thing is, if you're 100 pounds, 200 pounds, 300 pounds or 400 pounds, there is a store that makes dress clothes for you. You can look appropriate while at work regardless of your size.

Also, I should say that I don't always look perfect for work. I wear little, if any make up because I don't usually like to have make up on my face. I wear my hair back because of the possibilty of lice. I wear my glasses, thinking I can block the baggies under my eyes with the frames. But you know what? From the neck down, I usually look pretty darn professional. Someone could dislike my outfit, but I button the button and zip the zipper and wear spanx if need be and deal with dress clothes. That's what people who work do. There are SO many people I work with who dress professionally, of all sizes. If they can do it, why can't others? Suck it up. It's work. Look professional. Chances are, you'll be more respected.

Ultimately, with just about 5 and a half pounds lost, my pants are fitting better. I don't even understand how that's possible, but I'll take it. So, as I type this, at 9:00 at night, after eating some dinner, I'm still in my work clothes. And that kind of makes me happy. I don't need to change into fat pants today.