I called it Nubutta because I couldn't remember it's real name. Either that or I didn't understand the Austrians and Czechs when they were explaining it to me. Either way, Nubutta and Nutella are great. Go get yourself a jar. If you have animal crackers or pretzel sticks, go to town. If not, believe me, a spoon will suffice.
I weighed in on Monday and gained a pound and a half. Sometimes you wouldn't know I'm doing a diet. (Um, like, this week.) I was optimistic, but not shocked. I had weighed in last Thursday, then worked straight through the weekend at Pottery Barn (went back for the summer and finished up last weekend). Between school starting and kids almost coming, I cried on my way to PB Friday night. I was soooo exhausted, and as a teacher who loves being lazy in the summer, I was out of shape for work. My dogs barked a lot and I just wanted to sit down. So, when I got off work at 10 Friday night, after a full teacher day of school and then a five hour shift at PB, I hit up Bertuccis and ate an individual pizza, by myself. That made me so happy. :)
Saturday, more of the same. Saturday was rough. I was overtired and couldn't shake a sad feeling looming over me. A friend and sorority sister, Elizabeth White, passed away a few years ago from non-hodgkins lymphoma. She was soooo amazing, and was a teacher. When I graduated from Elon, she gave me a bag of supplies as a graduation gift... borders and posters and stickers and a really sweet note. Every year at this time I remember her when I put up these decorations in my classroom, and this year, I couldn't shake the feeling. I tried praying to her, which I believe in. I wrote on her facebook wall, which felt good. But in some twisted way, I wanted to not be sad on my way home from work at 10:00 Saturday night, so I picked up some Chinese food. I mean, you can't blame Elizabeth for this obviously, but really, she wouldn't have judged me for eating crap, and she would have rocked a pink sweater, pearls and a bow in her hair. I wanted an excuse for buying crab ragoons, and being sad was my excuse. I'm really embarrassed to even type this, because I don't want to slander Elizabeth's perfect name, and I really, REALLY hope I haven't. I kind of hope she's giggling at my ridiculousness. But you know how sometimes you feel down and eat? Well, I do, and I did. I still cried though.
Sunday was better. Kind of. Worked at PB from 8-3, and whenever I got dreary, I hit up a snack (donut, candy) in the back. Thank God I'm not working there anymore. Being there was like a freebee excuse for me to eat. Buhbye.
Today... well, today. All my lunches have been really good this week. Jenny Craig breakfasts and Jenny Craig lunches. Today I went for Happy Hour #1 and will be hitting up Happy Hour #2 in a little bit. Ah, the beauty of being a teacher. :)
And, the Nubutta is GONE. I threw it out. After I put in on my nightstand last night, with a spoon sticking out of it. I should definitely call a shrink.
no more nutbutta! though it does sound good for a post happy hour treat!
ReplyDeleteDear Megan,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, nutella is an old standby for me.
I wanted to share with you, have wanted to share with you, that I really, truly enjoy your posts. I've struggled with my weight ever since I can remember--you are so not alone.
Your expression about your struggle with weight loss is so honest, so real, and I get it. I ask that you keep going! I see it not just as a journey to "get thin" but a journey to being kind to yourself, to sharing openly, to getting help which we all need, to processing what's going on and being present with it. You're examining yourself, having fun, and engaging with the world--that's the whole point, right!?
About the blog title--it lends credibility and depth to the whole endeavor--you did what you said out to do: write a blog about getting thin by thirty. If you /had/ gotten "thin by 30," you can be for shit sure that the following day you'll say, "and now what?" and then the fantastic dread: that's what we call over here where I live, "the lifelong." It doesn't stop once you get thin--trust me. Or once you get married. Or once you've bought a house. There's just more,and it's different.
I've gained and lost 40lbs a bunch of times. It's ongoing. For me, it's about a continued deepening of my relationship with myself and the world. Geneen Roth is an excellent writer on this stuff, and she says it so well: our relationship with food is a mirror of our relationship with the world: how we eat is how we love, how we work, and how we play. It's not the whole picture, and it's not separate. It's an interesting take, and one I really agree with and don't always want to acknowledge.
I've been 100 lbs as an adult, and 170 lbs as an adult. I've struggled with anorexia, overeating, binging, purging, exercising compulsively, you name it. Right now I'm on the other side, being a bit compulsive with counting calories and controlling, still trying to get closer to myself so that I can see, in the moment, OK, am I hungry? No. I want to eat. Why? I just want to eat! Jesus, leave me alone! Ok...to be followed by..."God I feel like shit, that didn't need to happen. What was I so upset about? This, this, and this...OK, not eating dinner....ugh.
That's not healthy. It's where I am. I work to be so, so compassionate with myself. I have a hard time with that. Like, true compassion, verses just indulgence. Enabling myself to not look at what's really happening.
Anyway, I thought I'd share, and say how much I truly enjoy your writing--you're hilarious. And seriously Megan, you obviously have no idea how beautiful you are. So beautiful! (And guess what? I know what it's like to hear that and think, well, it doesn't matter). Because it doesn't, really. And yet it kind of does--slowly learning that the beauty we hold is not on the outside, but that it shines through. There is so much beauty in our pain, in our struggle, in our treks up our own individual mountains, in our sadness, and in our joys and triumphs. That's why your blog is amazing--it's vulnerable and real--and real, is always beautiful. Perhaps uncomfortable, too.
keep sharing!
Thanks again for your sharing--
j