Procrastination

I'm a huge procrastinator. I can only think of a few things in my life I haven't waited until the last second to complete: my arranging project, my recitals and my technology portfolio. Those things were just too big to put off. I completed them while in college.

I often host with wet hair because I'm showering 10 minutes before people come over due to the fact that I spent the whole day cleaning.

I get up for school at the last possible minute. Partly because I'm so sleepy, and partly because I can get ready quickly when I have to.

I waited a long time to get my wedding dress. I looked for a long time as well. Mac and I only tasted and ordered our cake on the Tuesday before our wedding. :)

I'm procrastinating on this weight loss thing. Clearly. Hello, my blog says "thin by thirty." THIN?! Actually, people have different opinions of what thin is. I do still believe I can get there. I actually believe I can get there by my birthday. I actually believe that losing 40 pounds can still happen. I may be foolish, but it's what I believe.

Here's the thing. My arranging project, my recitals and my technology portfolio were far from perfect. I mean, I passed. I got pretty decent grades. But perfect? Nope. I am still proud of those accomplishments, and anyone who did them in college should be. They're HARD. They were so very hard.

Weight loss is also SO VERY HARD. I went to my parents in SC over spring break. I did ok in the beginning. I asked my mom very bluntly if she thought I was over-eating. She told me not at all. Sweet! :) By the end of spring break though, I think I had drunk three bottls of wine, eaten a bunch of cheesecake and started drinking a couple regular cokes. Let's call those things "treats." I also didn't work out.

I came back last week, and I still didn't work out. Suffice it to say I was exhausted. I'm a night person, so over breaks, I start staying up late and sleeping in. Combine that with trying to get back on track to a school schedule, and allergy season, and I was a mess. I took naps after school, had a couple nose bleeds, my eyes were bloodshot for a little bit and I had a headache that lasted days. Uch. Spring. I love and hate you.

So, now it's Thursday night, and if I want to work out three (not even four) times this week, I have to go to the gym tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday. No qualms about it. I keep saying I have to eat better, work out, cut back, be disciplined. I mean all those things. Why am I not delivering?

I'm procrastinating, I guess. And I'm STUBBORN.

I totally believe weight loss programs can work. Jenny Craig worked for me in that I lost weight, without even working out. I learned lots of things. However, I'm being really stubborn right now and telling myself I can do this without the help of a program. I want to make decisions that I can keep up with in a year, five years and ten years. I want to literally change my diet. And by diet, I mean food I eat. No more overeating. Treats, sure. Not too many treats. Gym, definitely. I felt so good when I was working out. I want this to be a lifestyle change.

Last week I was pretty negative. Dare I say, unpleasant. I was tired and cranky. Guess what? No gym either. Funny how that works out.

I am also dealing with two major stresses right now. One is a work thing. My job is not totally secure. That makes me really scared. I'm procrastinating in talking to my bosses about my fears. The other is this blog thing. I go from feeling confident to foolish to guilty to strong to insecure to apathetic to embarassed to right now. Hopeful.

All of these stresses take a toll on my body. (Really, who doesn't have stress take a toll on their body?) I don't break out. I don't lose weight. I get ulcers in my mouth. My tongue swells (ew), and I have trouble eating and speaking correctly. I also eat for comfort. Um. Hmm. Not good Megan.

I may not want the help of a program, but oddly enough, writing this post has already made me feel better. I guess that's why I started, and it's good to remind myself. I may also go back to journaling, because I think at this point, it's important for me to see what I'm eating in a day.

Sorry if any of this seems needy. Again, thank you to anyone who read this long post. I know other people out there feel the same way.