In the fall of 2009, I was denied health insurance from Blue Cross and Blue Shield. They told me I was in the obese category due to my height, weight and BMI, and therefore, they would not grant me coverage.
I was substitute teaching, which doesn’t provide benefits. I wear contacts/glasses, go to the dentist, doctor, etc. I needed health insurance. I was willing to pay a large amount per month to get it, and I was prepared to pay around $200 or $250 dollars per month. I filled out the online application, put in my height as 5’4”, my weight at 190 (was at the time) and listed everything medically that had ever been or was still wrong with me. Seemed pretty standard to me. I disclosed that I had my tonsils and adenoids out when I was 12, wisdom teeth out at 16, two benign lumps removed from my chest at 21 and listed any issues with vision, dental work, mental health and asthma. All of my medical “issues” seem pretty normal to me. No red flags here!
A couple weeks later, I received a letter in the mail. I sat down at the desk upstairs to read what I thought was going to be a letter welcoming me into the program and detailing the payments.
What I GOT was a rejection letter. The letter explained that due to my height and weight, they estimated by Body Mass Index (BMI) to be 31, which, to them meant obese. I probably read the letter five times I was so shocked. I didn’t even know they could deny health insurance to people. What if someone had cancer? Was pregnant? Needed medicine? Jesus, according to them, I was just a heffer, and, there are a lot worse things than that. What about all those other people?
I’m not sure who I called first, Mac or my parents or my sister. I don’t remember if I yelled or screamed or cried or threw something. I probably did all of those things though. Are you effing kidding me Blue Cross Blue Shield? You think I’m OBESE?! You think I’m too dangerous to insure? For the LOVE OF GOD. I have never, not even once, not even today considered myself obese. I reserve the word obese for someone who is like 600 pounds and has problems moving. Hello, I still move. A lot. I may be overweight, but obese?! Bitch, please.
How could someone deny me? I wanted to give them MONEY. I am not a risk! Again, I was/am overweight. Not fat. (Don’t like that word.) Not obese. I guess in my anger, I could have called them and complained. But I knew if I called them, I’d be crying on the phone to some person who didn’t really make the decision, all the while asking for their supervisor. I thought if I called, I may get personal with someone, asking what their BMI was, and if it was over 24, well HOT DAMN they’re lucky BCBS let them work there! And if I had gotten someone with a thick accent, I probably would have been a total biatch. Nothing worse than trying to get answers about a complicated issue (benefits, customer service, student loans, computers) from someone you can’t understand.
I didn’t apply for any other types of health insurance. I was too upset and so hurt. I did not ever want to see a rejection letter like that again. I’m actually still surprised it happened, to be honest. If I didn’t have health insurance now, I don’t know what I would do. Even though I truly believe in my heart that BCBS was wrong, I wouldn’t even want to read another letter that called me obese.
During that year, Mac and I were engaged. We consistently half-joked about going to the courthouse and getting married, just so I could share his benefits. We didn’t go to the courthouse, and fortunately, I didn’t have any huge medical issues. I am very lucky. I don’t know how I would have reacted if something had come up.
I don’t really have a point to that story, just that I am still shocked it happened. I’ve told a few other people, and their reactionary facial expressions justify my emotions. It is so comforting to have people agree with you, especially about a topic that hurts your feelings and/or angers you.
Soooooooooooo, now I joined Jenny Craig. Again. On their website, they have a BMI calculator. According to them, my BMI is 36.9. I am in the “very overweight” category. Alright, that’s fair. Yes, I am very overweight. My goal with them is to lose 50 pounds. Crazy thing, is that when I put in my goal weight (167), it still tells me I’m overweight. I mean, I guess I understand it. The thing is though, I know what I look like at different pounds. That’s why I think in terms of numbers. And at 167, I don’t think I’ll look that bad. I know that my face won’t get smaller until I hit 190, maybe a little less. (Mac thinks I’m crazy for thinking that. He told me my face looked thinner and I answered him with, “No, it won’t get thinner until I hit 190.”) I know that right now, I wear a size 16. About every 20 pounds, the size changes for me. I.e. at 200, I can squeeze into a 14. And of course you’re different sizes in different stores and different brands. Blah blah blah.
The almost-last thing I’m going to write about is how I wonder when I’ll feel good again. Like, not so much jiggle, less belly, smaller everything. Literally, feel better. I keep saying I felt good at my wedding, because I did. I hope that whenever I start to “feel good,” I keep up with proper eating habits, because feeling good may happen before my weight goal. And yes, clearly, I cannot lose 50 pounds by July 29th. If I do, someone call a doctor. But hopefully I’ll keep up with this for a little bit after my birthday as well. I want to feel so good that I won’t want to ruin it by eating out for dinner 4 times a week. I want to feel so good that I continue to weigh myself each day and maintain whatever weight I make it down to. I want to get back to believing the saying, “Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.”
And to conclude, I’m sure we all know where I think Blue Cross Blue Shield should go. My mom calls this attitude “Jersey attitude.” My dad calls it getting your “Irish up.” Mac calls me the “Meganator” when I become a full blown maniac. Ashley applauds this type of behavior, because she spends half her life throwing fits and putting people in their places. ;) And while I’m no longer sad, it would be wise for a rep from BCBS to never come in contact with me. I will become an Irish-Jersey-Meganator. And it is not pretty.
p.s. In spite of this blog having a somewhat negative story, I want to put it on the record that after my first week of Jenny Craig, I weighed in at 5.6 pounds less. I'll take it! :)
Monday, April 30, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
Joining a program
I’ve made an appointment with Jenny Craig. As dramatic as this may sound, I went through several emotional stages to get to this point.
The “no way Jose” stage:
I can do this weight loss thing on my own. I am smart. This will be easy! Just eat well and work out. I definitely don’t need a program to lose weight. I did before, but not anymore!
The “See I told you I could do it” stage:
I lost a few pounds. I worked out. I didn’t eat that badly. I journaled. So there. I proved it to myself.
The “I’m so confused why I’m not losing weight as I gobble m&ms” stage:
The scale goes up and down a few pounds. I still go to the gym, but am not really losing any weight. I feel strong, but because I’m doing such a good job at the gym, I reward myself, too much and too often.
The “angry” stage:
What the hell man. I’m working my butt off at the gym. This is ridiculous!
The “defeated” stage:
I should not have started such a public blog. I feel the urge to lie about my weight on my blog and then catch up behind it. (I have never lied about my weight on the blog.) I stop going to the gym. I lose energy and motivation. I am procrastinating, but I haven’t totally given up. Yes, I am aware 30 is right around the freaking corner.
The “ok, maybe I need help” stage:
Self-explanatory. I feel embarrassed and a little foolish. Programs work great, but why do I need one when I clearly know what is wrong and right? Why do I make bad choices?
The “curiosity” stage:
Research Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig. Maybe I should do a program. Look how well they work for everyone else, and quite frankly, it worked for me. At that time. The only reason I gained weight back is because I started ignoring everything I had learned and I stopped weighing myself.
The “I’m doing this come hell or high water” stage:
I decide to do Jenny Craig. It is ridiculously easy. Not thinking about meals or preparing things is kind of nice sometimes. I have a good history with Jenny Craig. I don’t think I’m strong enough to do Weight Watchers, where you can eat whatever you want. I think it’s an amazing program, but again, I don’t think I’m strong enough to have “anything I want” in the house. I know what you’re thinking. “Just don’t buy the bad stuff, Megan.” Well, you’re right. However, you haven’t experienced me in a grocery store. Sometimes I make noise out LOUD when I pass the Mint Milanos.
So this is where I am right now. I signed up for Jenny Craig. I have an appointment this afternoon at 4:00. It’s at the same center I went to before. I truly adored the consultants and while I got sick of some of the food, I got kind of excited seeing some of it again in an online menu. Some of their stuff is really good. I would buy it in a grocery store over Lean Cuisines any day. Some of their stuff is really bad.
I had to do a budget for this. I’m going to try to do it in under $300 per month. Their food is expensive. I think I’ll be buying lunch on my own though. I can make a good lunch for school. Tuna salad, chicken salad, sandwiches, regular salads. I can do that on my own and truthfully, their lunches are not that hot, in my opinion.
At the grocery store, the only groceries I will have to buy are lunch items, diet soda, veggies and fruit. That is not so bad. I will allow myself to go out to dinner once a week if something is planned. I’m not going to deprive myself. I know that sounds weird, but I truly feel like this is the best decision for me right now. I have realized that perhaps I am not strong enough to lose weight on my own. That thought really upset me in the beginning, but now… meh. Don’t care about the pride factor as much. Again, I lost weight before with this program, and I wasn’t even working out. Hopefully, I will be back to working out ANY DAY NOW, and that, combined with the program will do the trick.
I know it’s not a trick. I know there’s no secret to losing weight. I know that I won’t eat Jenny Craig for the rest of my life. I know I will have to work to maintain any weight I do lose.
I believe I can lose 10 pounds per month. That is about 2.5 pounds per week, and that is a healthy amount. I will probably be hungry in the beginning, but sometimes, when my stomach growls, I like to think it’s eating itself. I also believe that if I had to be in the Hunger Games, I could survive for a little bit, because, I have some insulation. I am chubby Katniss. And, just like her, I support archery. (Side note, I am terrified of guns. Will never allow one in the house. Mac asked if we could have a taser. Hell to the no. I could see friends (including me) having a few drinks and deciding to try it out. However, I did tell Mac we could have a bow and arrow. That’s right. Then I told him, “You’re welcome.”)
I’m kind of glad I’m going back to something familiar. I feel like I know deep down that it will work. It’s like going back to your same vacation spot or watching your favorite movie. Amazing, every time. Ok, well maybe not amazing. But it’s reliable.
The bottom line is that if I am successful with Jenny Craig, I will be so happy. I will be healthier. I will be proud of myself, because program or no program, losing wieght is not easy, and whenever someone accomplishes a healthy weight loss, they should be congratulated.
The “no way Jose” stage:
I can do this weight loss thing on my own. I am smart. This will be easy! Just eat well and work out. I definitely don’t need a program to lose weight. I did before, but not anymore!
The “See I told you I could do it” stage:
I lost a few pounds. I worked out. I didn’t eat that badly. I journaled. So there. I proved it to myself.
The “I’m so confused why I’m not losing weight as I gobble m&ms” stage:
The scale goes up and down a few pounds. I still go to the gym, but am not really losing any weight. I feel strong, but because I’m doing such a good job at the gym, I reward myself, too much and too often.
The “angry” stage:
What the hell man. I’m working my butt off at the gym. This is ridiculous!
The “defeated” stage:
I should not have started such a public blog. I feel the urge to lie about my weight on my blog and then catch up behind it. (I have never lied about my weight on the blog.) I stop going to the gym. I lose energy and motivation. I am procrastinating, but I haven’t totally given up. Yes, I am aware 30 is right around the freaking corner.
The “ok, maybe I need help” stage:
Self-explanatory. I feel embarrassed and a little foolish. Programs work great, but why do I need one when I clearly know what is wrong and right? Why do I make bad choices?
The “curiosity” stage:
Research Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig. Maybe I should do a program. Look how well they work for everyone else, and quite frankly, it worked for me. At that time. The only reason I gained weight back is because I started ignoring everything I had learned and I stopped weighing myself.
The “I’m doing this come hell or high water” stage:
I decide to do Jenny Craig. It is ridiculously easy. Not thinking about meals or preparing things is kind of nice sometimes. I have a good history with Jenny Craig. I don’t think I’m strong enough to do Weight Watchers, where you can eat whatever you want. I think it’s an amazing program, but again, I don’t think I’m strong enough to have “anything I want” in the house. I know what you’re thinking. “Just don’t buy the bad stuff, Megan.” Well, you’re right. However, you haven’t experienced me in a grocery store. Sometimes I make noise out LOUD when I pass the Mint Milanos.
So this is where I am right now. I signed up for Jenny Craig. I have an appointment this afternoon at 4:00. It’s at the same center I went to before. I truly adored the consultants and while I got sick of some of the food, I got kind of excited seeing some of it again in an online menu. Some of their stuff is really good. I would buy it in a grocery store over Lean Cuisines any day. Some of their stuff is really bad.
I had to do a budget for this. I’m going to try to do it in under $300 per month. Their food is expensive. I think I’ll be buying lunch on my own though. I can make a good lunch for school. Tuna salad, chicken salad, sandwiches, regular salads. I can do that on my own and truthfully, their lunches are not that hot, in my opinion.
At the grocery store, the only groceries I will have to buy are lunch items, diet soda, veggies and fruit. That is not so bad. I will allow myself to go out to dinner once a week if something is planned. I’m not going to deprive myself. I know that sounds weird, but I truly feel like this is the best decision for me right now. I have realized that perhaps I am not strong enough to lose weight on my own. That thought really upset me in the beginning, but now… meh. Don’t care about the pride factor as much. Again, I lost weight before with this program, and I wasn’t even working out. Hopefully, I will be back to working out ANY DAY NOW, and that, combined with the program will do the trick.
I know it’s not a trick. I know there’s no secret to losing weight. I know that I won’t eat Jenny Craig for the rest of my life. I know I will have to work to maintain any weight I do lose.
I believe I can lose 10 pounds per month. That is about 2.5 pounds per week, and that is a healthy amount. I will probably be hungry in the beginning, but sometimes, when my stomach growls, I like to think it’s eating itself. I also believe that if I had to be in the Hunger Games, I could survive for a little bit, because, I have some insulation. I am chubby Katniss. And, just like her, I support archery. (Side note, I am terrified of guns. Will never allow one in the house. Mac asked if we could have a taser. Hell to the no. I could see friends (including me) having a few drinks and deciding to try it out. However, I did tell Mac we could have a bow and arrow. That’s right. Then I told him, “You’re welcome.”)
I’m kind of glad I’m going back to something familiar. I feel like I know deep down that it will work. It’s like going back to your same vacation spot or watching your favorite movie. Amazing, every time. Ok, well maybe not amazing. But it’s reliable.
The bottom line is that if I am successful with Jenny Craig, I will be so happy. I will be healthier. I will be proud of myself, because program or no program, losing wieght is not easy, and whenever someone accomplishes a healthy weight loss, they should be congratulated.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Procrastination
I'm a huge procrastinator. I can only think of a few things in my life I haven't waited until the last second to complete: my arranging project, my recitals and my technology portfolio. Those things were just too big to put off. I completed them while in college.
I often host with wet hair because I'm showering 10 minutes before people come over due to the fact that I spent the whole day cleaning.
I get up for school at the last possible minute. Partly because I'm so sleepy, and partly because I can get ready quickly when I have to.
I waited a long time to get my wedding dress. I looked for a long time as well. Mac and I only tasted and ordered our cake on the Tuesday before our wedding. :)
I'm procrastinating on this weight loss thing. Clearly. Hello, my blog says "thin by thirty." THIN?! Actually, people have different opinions of what thin is. I do still believe I can get there. I actually believe I can get there by my birthday. I actually believe that losing 40 pounds can still happen. I may be foolish, but it's what I believe.
Here's the thing. My arranging project, my recitals and my technology portfolio were far from perfect. I mean, I passed. I got pretty decent grades. But perfect? Nope. I am still proud of those accomplishments, and anyone who did them in college should be. They're HARD. They were so very hard.
Weight loss is also SO VERY HARD. I went to my parents in SC over spring break. I did ok in the beginning. I asked my mom very bluntly if she thought I was over-eating. She told me not at all. Sweet! :) By the end of spring break though, I think I had drunk three bottls of wine, eaten a bunch of cheesecake and started drinking a couple regular cokes. Let's call those things "treats." I also didn't work out.
I came back last week, and I still didn't work out. Suffice it to say I was exhausted. I'm a night person, so over breaks, I start staying up late and sleeping in. Combine that with trying to get back on track to a school schedule, and allergy season, and I was a mess. I took naps after school, had a couple nose bleeds, my eyes were bloodshot for a little bit and I had a headache that lasted days. Uch. Spring. I love and hate you.
So, now it's Thursday night, and if I want to work out three (not even four) times this week, I have to go to the gym tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday. No qualms about it. I keep saying I have to eat better, work out, cut back, be disciplined. I mean all those things. Why am I not delivering?
I'm procrastinating, I guess. And I'm STUBBORN.
I totally believe weight loss programs can work. Jenny Craig worked for me in that I lost weight, without even working out. I learned lots of things. However, I'm being really stubborn right now and telling myself I can do this without the help of a program. I want to make decisions that I can keep up with in a year, five years and ten years. I want to literally change my diet. And by diet, I mean food I eat. No more overeating. Treats, sure. Not too many treats. Gym, definitely. I felt so good when I was working out. I want this to be a lifestyle change.
Last week I was pretty negative. Dare I say, unpleasant. I was tired and cranky. Guess what? No gym either. Funny how that works out.
I am also dealing with two major stresses right now. One is a work thing. My job is not totally secure. That makes me really scared. I'm procrastinating in talking to my bosses about my fears. The other is this blog thing. I go from feeling confident to foolish to guilty to strong to insecure to apathetic to embarassed to right now. Hopeful.
All of these stresses take a toll on my body. (Really, who doesn't have stress take a toll on their body?) I don't break out. I don't lose weight. I get ulcers in my mouth. My tongue swells (ew), and I have trouble eating and speaking correctly. I also eat for comfort. Um. Hmm. Not good Megan.
I may not want the help of a program, but oddly enough, writing this post has already made me feel better. I guess that's why I started, and it's good to remind myself. I may also go back to journaling, because I think at this point, it's important for me to see what I'm eating in a day.
Sorry if any of this seems needy. Again, thank you to anyone who read this long post. I know other people out there feel the same way.
I often host with wet hair because I'm showering 10 minutes before people come over due to the fact that I spent the whole day cleaning.
I get up for school at the last possible minute. Partly because I'm so sleepy, and partly because I can get ready quickly when I have to.
I waited a long time to get my wedding dress. I looked for a long time as well. Mac and I only tasted and ordered our cake on the Tuesday before our wedding. :)
I'm procrastinating on this weight loss thing. Clearly. Hello, my blog says "thin by thirty." THIN?! Actually, people have different opinions of what thin is. I do still believe I can get there. I actually believe I can get there by my birthday. I actually believe that losing 40 pounds can still happen. I may be foolish, but it's what I believe.
Here's the thing. My arranging project, my recitals and my technology portfolio were far from perfect. I mean, I passed. I got pretty decent grades. But perfect? Nope. I am still proud of those accomplishments, and anyone who did them in college should be. They're HARD. They were so very hard.
Weight loss is also SO VERY HARD. I went to my parents in SC over spring break. I did ok in the beginning. I asked my mom very bluntly if she thought I was over-eating. She told me not at all. Sweet! :) By the end of spring break though, I think I had drunk three bottls of wine, eaten a bunch of cheesecake and started drinking a couple regular cokes. Let's call those things "treats." I also didn't work out.
I came back last week, and I still didn't work out. Suffice it to say I was exhausted. I'm a night person, so over breaks, I start staying up late and sleeping in. Combine that with trying to get back on track to a school schedule, and allergy season, and I was a mess. I took naps after school, had a couple nose bleeds, my eyes were bloodshot for a little bit and I had a headache that lasted days. Uch. Spring. I love and hate you.
So, now it's Thursday night, and if I want to work out three (not even four) times this week, I have to go to the gym tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday. No qualms about it. I keep saying I have to eat better, work out, cut back, be disciplined. I mean all those things. Why am I not delivering?
I'm procrastinating, I guess. And I'm STUBBORN.
I totally believe weight loss programs can work. Jenny Craig worked for me in that I lost weight, without even working out. I learned lots of things. However, I'm being really stubborn right now and telling myself I can do this without the help of a program. I want to make decisions that I can keep up with in a year, five years and ten years. I want to literally change my diet. And by diet, I mean food I eat. No more overeating. Treats, sure. Not too many treats. Gym, definitely. I felt so good when I was working out. I want this to be a lifestyle change.
Last week I was pretty negative. Dare I say, unpleasant. I was tired and cranky. Guess what? No gym either. Funny how that works out.
I am also dealing with two major stresses right now. One is a work thing. My job is not totally secure. That makes me really scared. I'm procrastinating in talking to my bosses about my fears. The other is this blog thing. I go from feeling confident to foolish to guilty to strong to insecure to apathetic to embarassed to right now. Hopeful.
All of these stresses take a toll on my body. (Really, who doesn't have stress take a toll on their body?) I don't break out. I don't lose weight. I get ulcers in my mouth. My tongue swells (ew), and I have trouble eating and speaking correctly. I also eat for comfort. Um. Hmm. Not good Megan.
I may not want the help of a program, but oddly enough, writing this post has already made me feel better. I guess that's why I started, and it's good to remind myself. I may also go back to journaling, because I think at this point, it's important for me to see what I'm eating in a day.
Sorry if any of this seems needy. Again, thank you to anyone who read this long post. I know other people out there feel the same way.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
The scale.
Should fitting into clothes that you wore a year ago be considered a victory? Absofreakinglutely.
Tonight, I tried on a bunch of shorts, skirts and capris from the past couple years. Even though I’m trying to lose weight, I’m really grateful that they fit. It is a huge sense of relief to me that I can still button everything, and it has been ok’d by another person (Mac). Do you get excited when you pull out something you haven’t worn in a while and it still fits, or even better, if it’s loose? I do. And yes, if something doesn’t fit, I get frustrated. I’ll admit to having several items of clothing in my closet that I’d like to fit back into. All in due time. Hopefully.
I’ve been thinking about the scale lately. If the scale and I were in a relationship, we’d need serious counseling. I feel like it lets me down, pumps me up, deceives me, lies to me, and changes on me with its passive-aggressive self. Truthfully though, it’s me. And that’s ok. At this point, I probably should be lower on the scale. But I've been enjoying food and/or drinks too much. I'm not down on myself, I'm just telling it like it is. If I want to lose weight faster, I'm going to have to change some things.
A lot of people don’t even own, or use scales. They judge their health by how they feel, how they look or how their clothes fit. That is perfectly fine. Me, I need the number. I need to see progress, because if it’s day 2 of wearing jeans, well you know I feel good. If it’s day 1 and they’re fresh-out-of-the-dryer, you know I’m doing squats in the bedroom before going out. I need the number. If it has gone up, I need to see that and reel myself in a little bit. Call me crazy, but if the scale says I’m 2 pounds lighter, I’ll usually feel 2 pounds lighter. I also double-check with the scale at the gym. Sometimes I weigh myself at night, just to see how much weight I can lose as I sleep. That is so weird, I know.
I also like the scale, because I equate the number with what I look like and how I feel. When I weighed 160, I was a size ten, and I felt good. By the end of July (bday time), I'd LOVE to be 170. I'll be really happy with myself if I get lower than 190. These numbers are completely DOABLE, if I truly put my mind to it. I bet some people think anything over 120 seems big, but just to give you an idea, when I was in college, I sometimes wore a size 6, and I weighed 140. Never felt like that was a large number. It's the height thing, I guess it plays in.
I won’t lie, this week has been tough. Spring break started(WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO) and I love to celebrate anything, so this = major celebration. And no, sadly, I don’t celebrate by going on the elliptical. I crack open a beer. I will say that up until the past few days, I’ve felt a decent change in my overall attitude. I’ve been somewhat perkier, a little happier and generally, more pleasant. I guess you could say I’m happier with myself. The past few days are an exception to how this month has been, and the past few days have been a little rough. I’m extremely anxious about a bunch of things, work, taxes, money, weight loss, but I’m going to focus this blog on the last month. Because these few days of anxiety are nothing compared to the goodness I’ve felt most of March.
I’m happy I’ve worked so much at the gym. I’m happy the elliptical is now at a level 8 for me, and the bike is at a level 6. I started at 7 and 4, respectively. I’m happy that my legs feel stronger, and sometimes they’re tired. I’m happy that my belly feels smaller. I’m REALLY happy with my new haircut. (Nothing to do with weightloss, but man, a good haircut can do wonders.)
I realize that the bike is not easy, just because you’re sitting down. I truly thought it would be easy the first time I got on it. I was wrong, oh SO wrong.
I realize that the harder I work out, the happier I am. I realize that when I shortened my stretching post-work out, I lost some flexibility. I realize that I can no longer go out in public after the gym, because the kind of sweating I do is almost similar to that of an animal. I realize that stretching after working out is SO important. I realize that I am a seasonal eater, and I should go with that. For example, I love tomato, mozzarella and basil with balsamic vinaigrette, so I’ve been eating a lot of that, and will probably start to eat more salads since it’s getting warmer out. I don’t like eating cold things when it’s cold out, and I don’t like eating hot things when it’s hot out. I realize that if I have something in the house, I’ll eat it. Allow me to share a defensive example:
• Last Friday, I was in a baking mood.
• I had all the ingredients for chocolate chip cookies.
• I LOVE chocolate chip cookies.
• If I make them, I’ll eat them. It’s just that simple.
• I had all the ingredients for banana bread.
• I’d never made banana bread.
• I don’t like banana bread.
• I made banana bread. 2 loaves.
• Halfway through the baking, I realized I could have included chocolate chips, and threw some in on TOP of one of the loaves.
• That just ended up looking silly at the end.
• I realized it was good I hadn’t started with the chocolate chips in the banana bread, because I would have fought my way through the banana bread to get to the chocolate.
• I took one loaf to Ilana, Jason and their new baby, Felicity.
• Mac ate the other.
• Overall, success.
One last thought. I’ve considered doing a weekly picture for myself, but posting a monthly one on the blog. A visual progression. I’ve heard pros and cons on doing this. Thoughts? Cares? Concerns? If you've tried this, has it worked for you?
Tonight, I tried on a bunch of shorts, skirts and capris from the past couple years. Even though I’m trying to lose weight, I’m really grateful that they fit. It is a huge sense of relief to me that I can still button everything, and it has been ok’d by another person (Mac). Do you get excited when you pull out something you haven’t worn in a while and it still fits, or even better, if it’s loose? I do. And yes, if something doesn’t fit, I get frustrated. I’ll admit to having several items of clothing in my closet that I’d like to fit back into. All in due time. Hopefully.
I’ve been thinking about the scale lately. If the scale and I were in a relationship, we’d need serious counseling. I feel like it lets me down, pumps me up, deceives me, lies to me, and changes on me with its passive-aggressive self. Truthfully though, it’s me. And that’s ok. At this point, I probably should be lower on the scale. But I've been enjoying food and/or drinks too much. I'm not down on myself, I'm just telling it like it is. If I want to lose weight faster, I'm going to have to change some things.
A lot of people don’t even own, or use scales. They judge their health by how they feel, how they look or how their clothes fit. That is perfectly fine. Me, I need the number. I need to see progress, because if it’s day 2 of wearing jeans, well you know I feel good. If it’s day 1 and they’re fresh-out-of-the-dryer, you know I’m doing squats in the bedroom before going out. I need the number. If it has gone up, I need to see that and reel myself in a little bit. Call me crazy, but if the scale says I’m 2 pounds lighter, I’ll usually feel 2 pounds lighter. I also double-check with the scale at the gym. Sometimes I weigh myself at night, just to see how much weight I can lose as I sleep. That is so weird, I know.
I also like the scale, because I equate the number with what I look like and how I feel. When I weighed 160, I was a size ten, and I felt good. By the end of July (bday time), I'd LOVE to be 170. I'll be really happy with myself if I get lower than 190. These numbers are completely DOABLE, if I truly put my mind to it. I bet some people think anything over 120 seems big, but just to give you an idea, when I was in college, I sometimes wore a size 6, and I weighed 140. Never felt like that was a large number. It's the height thing, I guess it plays in.
I won’t lie, this week has been tough. Spring break started(WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO) and I love to celebrate anything, so this = major celebration. And no, sadly, I don’t celebrate by going on the elliptical. I crack open a beer. I will say that up until the past few days, I’ve felt a decent change in my overall attitude. I’ve been somewhat perkier, a little happier and generally, more pleasant. I guess you could say I’m happier with myself. The past few days are an exception to how this month has been, and the past few days have been a little rough. I’m extremely anxious about a bunch of things, work, taxes, money, weight loss, but I’m going to focus this blog on the last month. Because these few days of anxiety are nothing compared to the goodness I’ve felt most of March.
I’m happy I’ve worked so much at the gym. I’m happy the elliptical is now at a level 8 for me, and the bike is at a level 6. I started at 7 and 4, respectively. I’m happy that my legs feel stronger, and sometimes they’re tired. I’m happy that my belly feels smaller. I’m REALLY happy with my new haircut. (Nothing to do with weightloss, but man, a good haircut can do wonders.)
I realize that the bike is not easy, just because you’re sitting down. I truly thought it would be easy the first time I got on it. I was wrong, oh SO wrong.
I realize that the harder I work out, the happier I am. I realize that when I shortened my stretching post-work out, I lost some flexibility. I realize that I can no longer go out in public after the gym, because the kind of sweating I do is almost similar to that of an animal. I realize that stretching after working out is SO important. I realize that I am a seasonal eater, and I should go with that. For example, I love tomato, mozzarella and basil with balsamic vinaigrette, so I’ve been eating a lot of that, and will probably start to eat more salads since it’s getting warmer out. I don’t like eating cold things when it’s cold out, and I don’t like eating hot things when it’s hot out. I realize that if I have something in the house, I’ll eat it. Allow me to share a defensive example:
• Last Friday, I was in a baking mood.
• I had all the ingredients for chocolate chip cookies.
• I LOVE chocolate chip cookies.
• If I make them, I’ll eat them. It’s just that simple.
• I had all the ingredients for banana bread.
• I’d never made banana bread.
• I don’t like banana bread.
• I made banana bread. 2 loaves.
• Halfway through the baking, I realized I could have included chocolate chips, and threw some in on TOP of one of the loaves.
• That just ended up looking silly at the end.
• I realized it was good I hadn’t started with the chocolate chips in the banana bread, because I would have fought my way through the banana bread to get to the chocolate.
• I took one loaf to Ilana, Jason and their new baby, Felicity.
• Mac ate the other.
• Overall, success.
One last thought. I’ve considered doing a weekly picture for myself, but posting a monthly one on the blog. A visual progression. I’ve heard pros and cons on doing this. Thoughts? Cares? Concerns? If you've tried this, has it worked for you?
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
7 deadly sins
The seven deadly sins are wrath, sloth, lust, greed, pride, envy and gluttony. I can tell you I am guilty of several of these.
Wrath: I believe this happens a lot when I am driving on the Beltway, a student talks during my class, or I am offended in some way. I can be very feisty at times, and while this certainly isn’t my best side, it happens. Kind of like a temper tantrum. Adult sized.
Lust: I actually don’t have a problem with this one. I am fortunate and am crazy about Mac. Moving on. Unless of course we consider Brooks Laich, Alex O’Loughlin or Captain Jack Sparrow. You may be thinking, “Johnny Depp?” No, you’re wrong. Captain Jack Sparrow. You heard me.
Greed: This one definitely hits me hard. I want everything. And I want it now. I want more money. I want a better body. I want a lawn. I want a puppy. I want no financial worries. I want to eat a bag of double stuffed oreos and still have a decent figure. I want three day weekends every week.
Envy: Man am I guilty of this sin lately. I have been dealing with overwhelming feelings of jealousy and envy. Disclaimer: anyone who has something I want probably deserves it and probably has worked for it. But truth be told, I am still envious. I blame facebook and pinterest. Everyone posts pictures of good things in their lives, and I love it. I love it so much that I want it. I am actually happy for all those people who post beautiful pictures. And I’m a little envious. I am envious of those with a house. I am envious of those with a lawn. I am envious of those who can take trips without a care in the world (it seems, at least.) I am envious of those with good, toned figures. I am envious of other people’s awesome outfits and abilities to pull off heels and fun jewelry. I am envious of those who live in a city and don’t have a car. It seems so liberating. I am envious of those who live in the country. I bet they see lots of stars every night. I am envious of those who live in a neighborhood, even though I love our apartment and our apartment complex. Even though I am envious of about a million things, believe it or not, I am so grateful for everything I do have. I’ve read somewhere that if you want someone else’s life, then you have to take the bad with the good. I’m having the time of my life dealing with my own problems. No need to try to wrangle with someone else’s!
Gluttony: Sweet Jesus. Um yes, sign me up for that one. Is there a gluttony anonymous meeting somewhere local? I don’t need to go to an Over-eater’s anonymous meeting, but how about a snackers meeting? Because truthfully, my meals aren’t what do me in. It’s my snacking. For the love of a hippopotamus, I can put away snack food like you’ve never seen. Well, unless you’ve seen my dad eat. Have I mentioned before that he has an actual strategy for eating twelve donuts within 24 hours? He’ll explain it to you if you ask, and he’ll be really excited about it. Yes, Dave Kelly is a snacker. So is his daughter. When I was in high school, he used to call me “tons of fun” and sometimes “thunder thighs.” Never once offended me. First, I wasn’t embarrassed about my size. Second, he was 100% joking. Third, he knew it didn’t bother me.
If I’ve told this story before, I apologize. In middle school, I was super skinny. Like, shot up five inches in 7th grade, had my tonsils and adenoids out at the end of that year, dropped 15 pounds (what a great diet- surgery), and weighed maybe 90 pounds? I was about 5’4” and 90 pounds. Ate all the time. I would try to polish off a bag of doritos before dinner. My dad told my mom he thought I had an eating disorder, because I ate so much junk, and was so skinny. She told him, just wait. She’s gonna grow OUT soon. Although I’m sure she said it nicer.
Sur enough, I did grow out. Two years later, my dad probably thought I had another eating disorder. I wasn’t chubby, but I just “thickened.” Then I kind of tapered off and went to college. Stayed around the same size. Fast forward, you’ve heard about post-college. My friend Gavin said the sweetest thing one time. He said girls shouldn’t get made fun of for gaining weight in college. He said it’s because they’re turning into women. Wow, how beautiful. And with all due respect to Gavin’s gorgeous wife Amy, this coming from him, the guy who doesn’t date bigger than a size 2, well, this was so sweet! What a nice way to describe weight gain. Becoming a woman. Um, then I am uber-woman.
Dare I say that my gluttony is making me un-woman-like. Linebacker shoulders. Hourglass figure turned to apple/orange/pear shaped all in one. Husky. Chins. Plump. Chubby. Chunky chunk. Glutton. Gluttony. I’m not voluptuous. I’m unhealthy.
Wrath: I believe this happens a lot when I am driving on the Beltway, a student talks during my class, or I am offended in some way. I can be very feisty at times, and while this certainly isn’t my best side, it happens. Kind of like a temper tantrum. Adult sized.
Sloth: I wonder if any time I take a nap I am considered sloth-like? Because if that’s the case, I’m definitely guilty. Sometimes I’m apathetic about eating well or exercising. Sometimes I’m not. But sometimes I am. This is what I look like while on the couch.
Lust: I actually don’t have a problem with this one. I am fortunate and am crazy about Mac. Moving on. Unless of course we consider Brooks Laich, Alex O’Loughlin or Captain Jack Sparrow. You may be thinking, “Johnny Depp?” No, you’re wrong. Captain Jack Sparrow. You heard me.
Greed: This one definitely hits me hard. I want everything. And I want it now. I want more money. I want a better body. I want a lawn. I want a puppy. I want no financial worries. I want to eat a bag of double stuffed oreos and still have a decent figure. I want three day weekends every week.
See PINTEREST for pictures. You'll become greedy too.
Pride: I am a prideful person. I pride myself on being a good teacher, even though I have weak moments. I pride myself on being a good friend, even though I don’t call my friends often enough. I think about them all the time. I pride myself on being a good daughter, sister and wife, even though sometimes I probably disappoint my family members. If anyone questions my abilities as a friend, teacher, wife, daughter, sister, etc., consider it on-like-donkey-kong. I pride myself on making a good home and decorating well, but I don’t want anyone to see the messiness that sometimes takes place during the week. (i.e. I can clean like a mad man faster than anyone you know if I know someone is stopping by.) I like to think I have athletic abilities that still linger from my childhood, even though I wasn’t the best on any team I participated in. I can swim, play field hockey and lacrosse, hit a baseball far, a golf ball far and catch. Throwing a ball well is not my most consistent talent. Sometimes the ball goes at like a 90 degree angle and comes close to someone else on the beach. Last year, I was so sure I could swim the length of the pool underwater, and I couldn’t. I went back and did it a week later and have Shannon as my witness. My pride often puts my foot in my mouth. This is what a pretty room would look like in my house. Don't open any closet doors though.
Envy: Man am I guilty of this sin lately. I have been dealing with overwhelming feelings of jealousy and envy. Disclaimer: anyone who has something I want probably deserves it and probably has worked for it. But truth be told, I am still envious. I blame facebook and pinterest. Everyone posts pictures of good things in their lives, and I love it. I love it so much that I want it. I am actually happy for all those people who post beautiful pictures. And I’m a little envious. I am envious of those with a house. I am envious of those with a lawn. I am envious of those who can take trips without a care in the world (it seems, at least.) I am envious of those with good, toned figures. I am envious of other people’s awesome outfits and abilities to pull off heels and fun jewelry. I am envious of those who live in a city and don’t have a car. It seems so liberating. I am envious of those who live in the country. I bet they see lots of stars every night. I am envious of those who live in a neighborhood, even though I love our apartment and our apartment complex. Even though I am envious of about a million things, believe it or not, I am so grateful for everything I do have. I’ve read somewhere that if you want someone else’s life, then you have to take the bad with the good. I’m having the time of my life dealing with my own problems. No need to try to wrangle with someone else’s!
Gluttony: Sweet Jesus. Um yes, sign me up for that one. Is there a gluttony anonymous meeting somewhere local? I don’t need to go to an Over-eater’s anonymous meeting, but how about a snackers meeting? Because truthfully, my meals aren’t what do me in. It’s my snacking. For the love of a hippopotamus, I can put away snack food like you’ve never seen. Well, unless you’ve seen my dad eat. Have I mentioned before that he has an actual strategy for eating twelve donuts within 24 hours? He’ll explain it to you if you ask, and he’ll be really excited about it. Yes, Dave Kelly is a snacker. So is his daughter. When I was in high school, he used to call me “tons of fun” and sometimes “thunder thighs.” Never once offended me. First, I wasn’t embarrassed about my size. Second, he was 100% joking. Third, he knew it didn’t bother me.
If I’ve told this story before, I apologize. In middle school, I was super skinny. Like, shot up five inches in 7th grade, had my tonsils and adenoids out at the end of that year, dropped 15 pounds (what a great diet- surgery), and weighed maybe 90 pounds? I was about 5’4” and 90 pounds. Ate all the time. I would try to polish off a bag of doritos before dinner. My dad told my mom he thought I had an eating disorder, because I ate so much junk, and was so skinny. She told him, just wait. She’s gonna grow OUT soon. Although I’m sure she said it nicer.
Sur enough, I did grow out. Two years later, my dad probably thought I had another eating disorder. I wasn’t chubby, but I just “thickened.” Then I kind of tapered off and went to college. Stayed around the same size. Fast forward, you’ve heard about post-college. My friend Gavin said the sweetest thing one time. He said girls shouldn’t get made fun of for gaining weight in college. He said it’s because they’re turning into women. Wow, how beautiful. And with all due respect to Gavin’s gorgeous wife Amy, this coming from him, the guy who doesn’t date bigger than a size 2, well, this was so sweet! What a nice way to describe weight gain. Becoming a woman. Um, then I am uber-woman.
Dare I say that my gluttony is making me un-woman-like. Linebacker shoulders. Hourglass figure turned to apple/orange/pear shaped all in one. Husky. Chins. Plump. Chubby. Chunky chunk. Glutton. Gluttony. I’m not voluptuous. I’m unhealthy.
Let me answer a question that someone may have, as I know I’ve asked myself this. If I’m doing so well with the gym (and I am), why only 5 pounds down? Diet. I’m not “dieting,” but literally, it’s my food diet. I am eating way too much, and even though I’m working out and getting stronger, the exercise can’t undo gluttony. So if you read the BRAVE column on the left, and wonder, “Why isn’t she losing weight?” now you know. It’s because I am a glutton. I mean, I don’t get sick. And I’m not someone who’s obsessed with eating. But ya, I eat out of boredom sometimes. It’s a habit I’m trying to break. I’ve been through some of this before.
The other night, I got really mad at myself. It’s bc I knew my weigh in was going to be bad. I didn’t want to post it. If I’d just freaking committed in the first place, or in the SECOND place, I wouldn’t be such a heffer. Ok, I’ll back off. But seriously. It’s my fault, and mine alone. I am definitely proud of myself for going to the gym. I look great when I come back, because I am a sweaty mess. But the eating. It’s got to change. It just has to. If my eating doesn’t change, I won’t change. I am proud of the exercise. It’s important to acknowledge that I have been successful in that area. But it's important to let yourself get frustrated sometimes too. Or cry. Or scream. Or look like the child in the first photo. So yeah, I guess today, I am going back and forth. I am proud, but I am a little ashamed, because I know I can do better.
The other night, I got really mad at myself. It’s bc I knew my weigh in was going to be bad. I didn’t want to post it. If I’d just freaking committed in the first place, or in the SECOND place, I wouldn’t be such a heffer. Ok, I’ll back off. But seriously. It’s my fault, and mine alone. I am definitely proud of myself for going to the gym. I look great when I come back, because I am a sweaty mess. But the eating. It’s got to change. It just has to. If my eating doesn’t change, I won’t change. I am proud of the exercise. It’s important to acknowledge that I have been successful in that area. But it's important to let yourself get frustrated sometimes too. Or cry. Or scream. Or look like the child in the first photo. So yeah, I guess today, I am going back and forth. I am proud, but I am a little ashamed, because I know I can do better.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Babbling.
My last blog wasn’t so hot. It was kind of mean and a little snarky. Please forgive me. I wasn’t doing the best, emotionally, when I wrote it, and it showed. If I offended anyone, I’m so, so, sorry. It’s never my goal. Anyways, moving on…
· I would be lost without the support of Mac.
· I would be lost without the support of my family.
· I would be lost without the support of my friends.
· I love a good supportive sports bra.
· Sometimes I think I should find something to support my rear when I work out.
· I’ve thought about spanx, but who wears spanx to the gym?!
· Like in Seinfeld, Kramer came up with the bro. (Bra for dudes.)
· This could be the bra + butt = brutt. I’m sure I’ll become a millionare.
· I am sometimes judgmental, and it’s something I continuously work on.
· Karma visits me often, in many forms. As it should.
· You think I’d learn from my mistakes, but I’m human.
· I worked out three times last week. It’s the first week I’ve missed the 4x mark.
· I hope to work out 5x this week to make up for this past week.
· I was irresponsible with my medicine a week ago, and missed 3 days of pills.
· I was really “off” for a few days, and was doing everything I could to make myself feel better.
· I made homemade chocolate chip cookies and you know I ate them.
· I almost cried in the grocery store bc the strawberries all had mold in them. Ewww.
· On Sunday, the gym was really, really hard.
· Even though the gym was really hard, I made it through my workout.
· I am a fan of Michelle Obama’s campaign for working out 60 minutes a day. It makes sense.
· I’ve been really bad with recording my food. I can’t decide if I should keep trying to record food.
· Sometimes, I try to combine diets.
· Like, oooh, Atkins says you can eat cheese, so I can eat all the cheese I want.
· Then I’ll change it up, to, one hershey’s kiss is 1 point on Weight Watchers.
· Combining diets is not cool, Megan. Stop it.
· I often have a mental battle with myself about which is better: eat well, or work out.
· Why do I think it should be one or the other? Shouldn’t it be both?
· I am more flexible, physically.
· I can’t wait for my clothes to feel loose, or fit better.
· I don’t want to be one of those girls who talks about losing weight all the time, and never does.
· If I go up one more size, I won’t be able to shop in my favorite store, Gap. Maybe online.
· Why chance it? Just go down in size.
· I don’t want to be considered a “big girl,” “fat” or “unhealthy.”
· Nothing is wrong with being any of those often rude labels, but in my opinion, my frame isn’t meant to handle this much weight.
· 1 of my biggest problems right now is knowing that I am too big for my frame.
· Another of my biggest problems is knowing that I’m not healthy right now.
· I’m tired of being paranoid if someone happens to glance at my stomach.
· When I lost weight before, I remember driving and not lopping over my jeans.
· That is a fantastic memory.
· I giggle a little bit every time I get on the bike and select the band, Queen.
· The first song of Queen I listen to is “Fat Bottomed Girls.” Ironic, isn’t it.
· In Bossypants by Tina Fey, she shares that when she was overweight, she was ironing in her underwear and accidentally grazed her belly with the iron.
· That made me laugh so hard.
· I have split a couple pairs of pants in my lifetime.
· I usually split pants on the inside thigh of my left leg. At least it’s not in the tush.
· My wedding dress was something insane like a size 22.
· I say insane, because that’s about 6 sizes bigger than what I was at the time.
· Apparently this happens with lots of wedding dresses.
· Who wants to buy something so much bigger in size than what they actually are?!
· Way to give someone a complex.
· My wedding dress was more expensive bc they needed to use extra fabric due to the size.
· I was really ashamed about that.
· My parents, God bless them, took that information without batting an eyelash.
· They paid for my wedding dress, another one of the million things I’m eternally grateful for.
· I loved my wedding dress and I think I looked pretty good in it, though I wish I’d had better posture the day of my wedding.
· The big, poofy dresses are not for me. I looked so ridiculous in them. Like a cupcake.
· Sometimes I have double chinS in pictures.
· Sometimes I am surprised at my size when I pass the mirror at the gym.
· I almost always want instant gratification.
· If my face isn’t red after my workouts, I haven’t worked hard enough.
· If my rings don’t spin while on the elliptical, I’m not working hard enough.
· That’s not masochism speaking, it’s the truth.
· I know what hard work is, and I know what happens to me when I work hard. I sweat, and my rings spin. I think it’s hot.
· I’ve dealt with 3 pimples on my face in one day. Some more are scattered on my arms and legs.
· I think it’s from the sweat, and so I’ll gladly take them.
· TMI, I remember the first time I needed powder on my thighs.
· I went on the longest walk on the beach ever with my friend Tim.
· I came back, and my thighs hurt. This was new to me.
· I went into the condo and put LOTION on my thighs.
· I came back out, sat next to Kendra and told her my problem.
· She laughed when I said I used lotion.
· She introduced me to powder and my life has never been the same.
· This was all so very random, and I apologize if you got all the way to the end of it.
· Sometimes, I literally can’t form paragraphs. It happens when I’m tired.
· Thank you everyone for your support. The emails, fb messages, text messages, comments, likes, phone calls and personal conversations. They all mean so much to me. Please know that.
· I would be lost without the support of Mac.
· I would be lost without the support of my family.
· I would be lost without the support of my friends.
· I love a good supportive sports bra.
· Sometimes I think I should find something to support my rear when I work out.
· I’ve thought about spanx, but who wears spanx to the gym?!
· Like in Seinfeld, Kramer came up with the bro. (Bra for dudes.)
· This could be the bra + butt = brutt. I’m sure I’ll become a millionare.
· I am sometimes judgmental, and it’s something I continuously work on.
· Karma visits me often, in many forms. As it should.
· You think I’d learn from my mistakes, but I’m human.
· I worked out three times last week. It’s the first week I’ve missed the 4x mark.
· I hope to work out 5x this week to make up for this past week.
· I was irresponsible with my medicine a week ago, and missed 3 days of pills.
· I was really “off” for a few days, and was doing everything I could to make myself feel better.
· I made homemade chocolate chip cookies and you know I ate them.
· I almost cried in the grocery store bc the strawberries all had mold in them. Ewww.
· On Sunday, the gym was really, really hard.
· Even though the gym was really hard, I made it through my workout.
· I am a fan of Michelle Obama’s campaign for working out 60 minutes a day. It makes sense.
· I’ve been really bad with recording my food. I can’t decide if I should keep trying to record food.
· Sometimes, I try to combine diets.
· Like, oooh, Atkins says you can eat cheese, so I can eat all the cheese I want.
· Then I’ll change it up, to, one hershey’s kiss is 1 point on Weight Watchers.
· Combining diets is not cool, Megan. Stop it.
· I often have a mental battle with myself about which is better: eat well, or work out.
· Why do I think it should be one or the other? Shouldn’t it be both?
· I am more flexible, physically.
· I can’t wait for my clothes to feel loose, or fit better.
· I don’t want to be one of those girls who talks about losing weight all the time, and never does.
· If I go up one more size, I won’t be able to shop in my favorite store, Gap. Maybe online.
· Why chance it? Just go down in size.
· I don’t want to be considered a “big girl,” “fat” or “unhealthy.”
· Nothing is wrong with being any of those often rude labels, but in my opinion, my frame isn’t meant to handle this much weight.
· 1 of my biggest problems right now is knowing that I am too big for my frame.
· Another of my biggest problems is knowing that I’m not healthy right now.
· I’m tired of being paranoid if someone happens to glance at my stomach.
· When I lost weight before, I remember driving and not lopping over my jeans.
· That is a fantastic memory.
· I giggle a little bit every time I get on the bike and select the band, Queen.
· The first song of Queen I listen to is “Fat Bottomed Girls.” Ironic, isn’t it.
· In Bossypants by Tina Fey, she shares that when she was overweight, she was ironing in her underwear and accidentally grazed her belly with the iron.
· That made me laugh so hard.
· I have split a couple pairs of pants in my lifetime.
· I usually split pants on the inside thigh of my left leg. At least it’s not in the tush.
· My wedding dress was something insane like a size 22.
· I say insane, because that’s about 6 sizes bigger than what I was at the time.
· Apparently this happens with lots of wedding dresses.
· Who wants to buy something so much bigger in size than what they actually are?!
· Way to give someone a complex.
· My wedding dress was more expensive bc they needed to use extra fabric due to the size.
· I was really ashamed about that.
· My parents, God bless them, took that information without batting an eyelash.
· They paid for my wedding dress, another one of the million things I’m eternally grateful for.
· I loved my wedding dress and I think I looked pretty good in it, though I wish I’d had better posture the day of my wedding.
· The big, poofy dresses are not for me. I looked so ridiculous in them. Like a cupcake.
· Sometimes I have double chinS in pictures.
· Sometimes I am surprised at my size when I pass the mirror at the gym.
· I almost always want instant gratification.
· If my face isn’t red after my workouts, I haven’t worked hard enough.
· If my rings don’t spin while on the elliptical, I’m not working hard enough.
· That’s not masochism speaking, it’s the truth.
· I know what hard work is, and I know what happens to me when I work hard. I sweat, and my rings spin. I think it’s hot.
· I’ve dealt with 3 pimples on my face in one day. Some more are scattered on my arms and legs.
· I think it’s from the sweat, and so I’ll gladly take them.
· TMI, I remember the first time I needed powder on my thighs.
· I went on the longest walk on the beach ever with my friend Tim.
· I came back, and my thighs hurt. This was new to me.
· I went into the condo and put LOTION on my thighs.
· I came back out, sat next to Kendra and told her my problem.
· She laughed when I said I used lotion.
· She introduced me to powder and my life has never been the same.
· This was all so very random, and I apologize if you got all the way to the end of it.
· Sometimes, I literally can’t form paragraphs. It happens when I’m tired.
· Thank you everyone for your support. The emails, fb messages, text messages, comments, likes, phone calls and personal conversations. They all mean so much to me. Please know that.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
aisle 15: cookies.
I just ate 10 Tagalongs. Uhhhhhhhhhhhh. The truth though, I only feel kind of guilty. I feel like I’ve done well, but obviously if the scale goes up tomorrow, it will be my fault. I have pretty much met my work out quota for this week, and I’ve already done and undone damage.On Tuesday, I had amazing Mexican food and THREE margaritas. That’s right, three. Students have the ability to make teachers desire lots of tequila. On the upside, Mary and I did not finish the queso, and I didn’t finish my quesadillas. I even sent the remaining quesadillas home with Mary. The next day, the scale said I put all five lbs. back on that I had lost. I went into overdrive.
I drank tons of water, because I really felt like it was the salt showing up on the scale. (Thanks to Jody for the amazing tip of “drink water bc you feel bloated bc you have a ton of salt in your body bc you ate a bag of popcorn for dinner last night during my first year of teaching.”) I ate well, and went to the gym. Within two days, I was back down to a 5 lbs. lighter Megan. Success.
Then, today. Gahhhhhh. I’m taking advantage and pushing the limits. I am so excited that the scale still says 215 (that still saddens me to type such a number), because last night I went out with two other good friends, Marys (the week of Mary!) and had grilled salmon, green beans, mashed potatoes and 3 glasses of white wine. I came home last night and had a small bowl of low fat ice cream. Seriously, I am lucky I didn’t gain weight. But, I worked out yesterday before even going out!
So, if I’m so lucky, why did I push the limit with the tagalongs? Why did I buy them? (It was impulse, and it’s hard to say no to girl scouts standing outside on a cold and blustery day.) The good thing, is right now, I have no desire to eat the thin mints. I’m full. I’m sleepy. I need to go to the gym tomorrow. I probably consumed almost 2000 calories today between baby shower food and the tagalongs. If you feel like yelling at me, I understand. But quite frankly, I don’t want to hear it. I know, immature of me. I know what is right and I know what is wrong. Today, I do not want to hear any reminders about what is right and what is wrong.
I was talking with one of my best friends Mary last night about lots of things. You know how people can complain about their families or friends, but when someone else does, it’s not cool? I do that sometimes. If Ashley and I have a spat (read: SISTERLY LOVE), I can talk about it, and we can each complain about each other, but pretty much every single one of my friends knows that they can’t say boo about her. It’s just not cool.
The same thing applies for this whole blog thing right now. I can talk poorly about myself, or talk about how I do well, or don’t do well, but I don’t want to hear it from anyone else. Not right now at least. I’m stubborn, and I don’t want to be lectured. I don’t want tough love. It comes across as judgment sometimes. I know this sounds really, really childish of me, but I can’t help it. I practically beg for comments/pats on the back and talk about all of this weight loss schmeight loss with friends and family, but I don’t want to hear criticism. (I know, hypocritical.) I don’t even want advice. Again, not right now. I like suggestions. I like ideas. I like hearing what works or hasn’t worked for other people. But if somebody was to question my third glass of wine Friday night while I was drinking it, I probably would have bitch slapped them.
Goals for this coming week include:
· Work out at least four times for sixty minutes each time.
· Eat lean cuisines or light progresso soup for every lunch.
· Have a salad every night for dinner.
· Add some sort of protein to every dinner, possibly turkey sandwich.
· Up the water intake.
· Eat more vegetables.
· Remind myself that this past week, I wasn’t hungry very often, and I ate well, and I worked out and ENJOYED IT.
· Do not starve yourself.
· Eat less.
· Eat better.
· Move more.
· Those last 3 things are key. Keep repeating them.
· Picture yourself on your 30th bday. You have the opportunity to look decent while guzzling cocktails and pretending you know everything. Don’t muck it up.
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